Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts
by S.N.S
Summary: Would she give it all to save him? Given the task to stop him, she never knew he would be her all. Our first story, be nice and review. No flames! Pairing: TR-HG-DM. R
1. Prologue: the end of the beginning

Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts

**Spoilers: **All Harry Potter books and a large collection of fanfics.

**Disclaimer: **This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Warnings: **Parody; anything you recognise is intentional. XD

M-rated fic for future chapters; severe OOC and AU; multiple Cliché use; character deaths; and anything else we can think of along the line. We welcome suggestions. The worse the cliché, the happier you will make us. ;p

Please note that the authors of this masterpiece spent a lot of time digging this shi..eeee…, these priceless facts up for you!

If you recognise your story here - well, tough luck! Or… stop being so bleeding paranoia. ;p

Tom/Voldemort - by Nerys

Hermione/ whatever Sue - by Ssserpensssotia

We, Nerys and Serpie, hereby solemnly swear that we are up to no good.

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**Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts**

**Prologue: the end of the beginning**

There were flashes of green and red all over the place. The Death Eaters had finally attacked Hogwarts. On the hill above the battlefield stood a lonely figure, looking down at the battle with gorgeous hazelnut with sparks of chocolate and caramel eyes. The billowing Armani cloak was dark red with silver stars and diamonds. Versace, high-heeled, black leather boots made her look taller. Even though she had changed dramatically over the summer, she was still pretty short. Her gorgeous straight blond hair with red and blue highlights flew in the wind like a free bird. She was adorned with expensive jewellery and you could smell her delicious perfume in the range of one mile.

Scratching her naked belly, that was adorned with a huge diamond in her belly-button and a glistering butterfly tattoo all over her well trained muscled four-pack, Hermione noticed that her skin turned a darker shade of melted chocolate mixed with the purest cream. The Magical Solarium made her soft shaved skin look even sexier. Her tight green Moschino tank-top with butterflies and magical stones suited well with her short pink shorts that brought to light her round, well trained buttocks. Purple lip-gloss and blue eye shadow made her look like a queen. Huge expensive rings on every finger of her feminine hands matched with the long sharp black nails with stars and golden circles. All in all, she looked smashing.

'Unlike Ginny Weasley,' the beautiful creature thought.

She could still remember how that stupid bitch Ginny-The-Ho made fun of her only three months ago. Now, however, it was Ginny who was the loser. It was no longer Ginny-The-Ginger who held the title of the most beautiful female in Hogwarts. No one realised that the gorgeous woman was indeed Hermione Granger, until the beauty sat down with the Gryffindors at the welcoming feast.

Ginny-The-Ho was speechless.

With an air of superiority around her, Hermione thought that just a month ago she had become one of the most successful witches of her time both in the Wizarding world and the Muggle world. And this most successful witch of her time found out about the approaching battle only a few minutes ago when she was enjoying herself at the most famous Wizarding Spa-salon, which only allowed famous pure-bloods in. Over the summer, she became their most welcomed client, having more money and power than the Malfoys. When she found out that she was not really a Granger, but a Black Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell Cucaracha Merlin, Hermione was shocked. How dared those Grangers lie to her! All those times, when she had cried alone in bed at night, because she was teased for being a Mudblood, she had been the purest of them all!! She hadn't spoken to her adoptive family for the horror and heartache they had put her through ever since.

Hermione, or Maryione Hermito Superfly Morgan Nerys Serpie Sue, as this was her real name, found a lot of new friends over the summer. Draco was really nice to her, as well as Lucius, and they would dine in the most expensive restaurant every day. No one recognised her and she was very glad about it. Every day she would go shopping with her new best friend, Mary Sue Two. Then, they would visit the spa and go dancing. Maryione's perfectly shaped body with womanly curves and long shaved legs brought her a lot of attention. Every male wanted her and she knew it. Listening to her i-Pod or chatting on her fashionable mobile phone (pink with Swarowski stones), she always noticed how every single head turned her way when she walked by in her extremely short, pink, Dolce & Gabbana dress. Every night she would go parting with her new friends and every night she was the queen. Maryione also found out that she had a magical voice and she started singing for public. Everyone was stunned by her beauty and charm.

Once in a while, Maryione Hermito Superfly Morgan Nerys Serpie Sue Black Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell Cucaracha Merlin would think about her real parents. Her mother was Merlinda Jennifer Elizabeth Mary Dovalenetrix Boob Black Hufflepuff Gryffindor Ravenclaw, who left her an enchanted letter that explained everything about her tragic and sad past. Her father was a pure-blood Drug-Potions-baron from Columbia. His name was Huan Batista Pedro Peverell Cucaracha Merlin and he was a descendant of Merlin himself. They both died allegedly in a car crash. But Maryione now knew the truth. They died to protect her and her amazing magical powers.

Now, however, her thoughts were somewhere else. She had to locate Harry and Lord Voldemort, so she could help him destroy the Dark Lord. No matter what the prophecy said Maryione knew deep in her heart, she was the only one who could bring down the Master of All Evil. Using her elemental Mage magic, which she had kept a secret from everybody, the smashing, lonesome figure scanned the battlefield. When she noticed her prime targets, she turned into one of her Animagus forms – a Black Royal Phoenix – and simply appeared in a flash of dark fire in the heart of the battle. She saw Bellatrix Lestrange and immediately cast a tornado of ice-fire onto her. The force was so strong that it killed not only the crazy witch, but also some bystanders. However, this no longer concerned the power driven, perfect girl. It was like time stood still. Everybody froze when Harry called out to You-Know-Who, everybody except the little, Know-It-All, Princess. She had a plan. It was a brilliant plan that would save everyone.

XXX

Green flashes and dark smoke were everywhere. People were screaming in terror and on the smouldering bricks of what once was known as the castle "Hogwarts" stood a tall, skeleton man. His long, pitch-black, silk cloak was bellowing impressively around him in the wind, making his snakelike, pale features and fiery, crimson eyes seem even more frightening. Naturally, the Dark Lord had to be tall, since a person's length is equal to his power. Every other wizard who was anybody in this magical universe was tall. He even had some surgeon lengthen him when he realised this, so nowadays he was longer than ever before and therefore he was invincible. Since baby boy Potter was only of mediocre length, he was not worried.

No, only one person had been an exception to his length equals strength of magical abilities rule, but she, the queen of his black and lonely soul, had left him during his last year in Hogwarts. It had broken his fragile, unsure heart, which had never been opened to anyone before, so he had promised himself to never care about another ever again in order to never feel this terrible pain once more. He steeled himself firmly against the foolish notion of love that day and became the greatest sorcerer in the world.

A familiar swirl of dark fire illuminated the corners of his eyes, but when he was about to turn to scan for its source and see the Black Royal Phoenix he knew so well, Potter spoke.

'Voldemort.'

'Potter.'

All the fighting around them stopped abruptly to watch them, because that is how things happen in a war. A strange tornado of ice-fire struck, among others, Bellatrix Lestrange in the chest. But he never saw the little, stunning witch, who was responsible for the death of his most faithful one, or he would have paid a bit more attention to what happened there, instead of focusing on the boy whose eyes were like his mother's; sparkling, green emeralds. But the Dark Lord had this planned perfectly. He knew exactly how to defeat the boy.

'Accio glasses,' He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named waved lazily.

His cold, high-pitched laugh flew across the grounds as The-Boy-Who-Lived-And-Lived-And-Lived-Some-More was blinded by the lack of his prosthesis. Glasses. Lord Voldemort hated people with glasses. It was such a feeble, physical weakness. Even that old coot wore them. Though, he had the impression Dumbledore only did so to make himself look mighty interesting by being able to watch over something with twinkling, blue eyes. No, Lord Voldemort killed everyone who wore glasses around him. Once in a while the Dark Lord had wanted to put glasses on, since he was getting older each day, but he had no nose to hold them, so he hated everybody else who wore glasses. And let's face it, no real wizard or witch wore them after all. It was a Muggle thing and he hated everything Muggle. His first kill was a girl who wore stupid, thick glasses. And even though his Basilisk did it, he knew from that day on he had found his true mission in life; to rid the world of all those who could not perform a simple Vision-Enhancement Charm.

It's how he picked the Potter boy out of the two from the prophecy. The Longbottoms all had twenty-twenty vision, while James Potter was known to be equally disadvantaged as his pathetic son. Thrice he gave the man an opportunity to perform the charm to enhance his eyesight, but he refused and defied him blatantly on the issue the Dark Lord valued most beside blood. So he knew the boy from the prophecy had to be James' son, Harry. Glasses, they were a true testament how Muggle-borns and Muggles alike tainted the Wizarding World and robbed them all of their powers. None of his followers were allowed to wear them. People assumed he had killed Snape to get the Elder Wand, but it was not the whole truth. He had also heard rumours online that the man wore reading glasses to look like an intellectual in order to seduce everybody's favourite Mudblood.

Myrtle - dead. James Potter - dead. Dumbledore - dead. Snape - dead. Trelawney - dead.

'Avada Kedavra,' he cast.

And Harry James Potter - dead.

Life was perfect. He killed everyone in the Wizarding World who wore them. All that was left were those whose blood was equally filthy as those prosthetic devices. A furious shriek echoed on the otherwise silenced field. When Potter's body fell down with a loud _'thud'_, a swirl of enormous power appeared in front of Voldemort's shocked eyes. This swirl turned into a female, whose eyes were glowing silver while flashes of light appeared from her ears. She held no wand because her palms were wide open and balls of electric light were erupting from them. Many people gasped when the castle that was build by the Founders rose from the ashes upon the call of the girl's most powerful ancient magic. Lord Voldemort looked confused at the most beautiful creature in the whole wide world. Who was she? He had never seen such power and elegance. He raised his wand at her with uncertainty. Her hands started fumbling on her platinum gold necklace and the most beautiful chocolate brown eyes with sparks of gold and crashed hazelnuts looked straight at him when she lifted her head.

'You have not won yet,' she said defiantly and used her hidden power once again.

This time, however, instead of turning into the Black Royal Phoenix, Maryione sat on the ground turning her left ankle three times to the north and five times to the east, clapped her hands six times and sang a sad song. Everybody was so shocked to see the girl using the ancient Elfish Mage Magick that nobody moved when Maryione jumped from the ground and farted so loud that the walls of Hogwarts almost turned into ruins _again_.

'Oh, sweet Merlin's pants!' cried one of the Death Eaters. 'She's the Lost Ruby! She's using the most powerful magic ever existed.'

Maryione, however, was already flying towards Hogwarts with the speed of a Concord and the grace of the hippo. When she reached the entrance to the castle, she turned around and, having farted again, she disappeared.

Pain struck Lord Voldemort's stone heart as she disappeared again in a flash of light.

'Ma-Mary-Maryione?' he stuttered, having finally recognised her, since the most brilliant wizard of all never made the connection between Potter's Mudblood and the girl he knew such a long time ago.

Maryione apparated directly in front of the gargoyle that was guarding the Head's Office and was about to tell it the password when the gargoyle said: 'Who are you and what do you want?'

Looking arrogantly at the stupid stone creature, Maryione answered: 'It is I, Maryione Hermito Superfly Morgan Nerys Serpie Sue Black Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell Cucaracha Merlin, and I'm here with a secret mission that was given to me by Professor Dumbledore. The secret mission is called "Go back 57 years into the past, find Tom Riddle, make friends with him and help him become a good boy". The mission was directed by Albus Dumbledore, code name White Bee; the undercover agent – Maryione Hermito Superfly Morgan Nerys Serpie Sue Black Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell Cucaracha Merlin, code name Mary Sue.'

With a heavy sigh, the gargoyle let Maryione into the office. She was only there for a couple of seconds when Maryione heard somebody trying to enter the office as well. Without a second thought, as well as a first, a woman formerly known as Hermione Granger turned the Time-Turner and disappeared.


	2. Chapter one: Have you ever made a wish?

Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts

**Disclaimer:**This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Authors' note:** We'd like to thank everyone for reading and reviewing. Do not ferret, the amazing, Superman! Draco will make his appearance at precisely the right moment; and so will Ginny Sue too.

However, at this moment in time your intrepid reporters, the smashing Serpie and stunning Nerys, will bring to life The One, The Only, True Tom Marvolo Riddle. These daring and brave women have risked their lives and sanity to bring you the most lethal manuscript ever. A manuscript, that will raise the dead and blind those alive forever. Though genuine fear is seeping through every pore of their poor, defenceless, Muggle bodies, nothing can stop your heroic writers from telling you the real story behind the most feared wizard of all time. Their sweet, pink Quick-Quotes Quills are permanently staining loads of parchments in an expedient manner to tell you the amazing and sad background behind He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. The whole truth will be revealed here! Clogging the internet today, live for all to see, alone on your FFnet! We bring you … Tada!! The next instalment of "Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts"!

Do review. Beware … we want, at least, a dozen reviews, otherwise we will not continue! The continuation of this story is up to you; you, Imperiused readers, who need to press that purplish button down below at once!! Failure to comply will have detrimental consequences for the world as we know it. Armageddon is upon us. Of course, as is becoming of the real great stories out there, we will make sure to up the review-count ourselves with our other, anonymous or hidden, identities. Nice job, Nerys. Well done, Serpie. We are so smart. XD

Nerys now regrets making the foolish mistake of casually saying: 'Oh well, I'll take Tom then.'

Serpie smirks in a very wicked Slytherin fashion.

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**Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts**

**Chapter one: Have you ever made a wish?**

It was a cold, clear moonlit night in the fall when Tom Marvolo Riddle, Head Boy and student extraordinary, stood at his favourite Hogwarts area: the Astronomy Tower. Looking over the crenellated ramparts, Tom stared into thin air with a deep, contemplative expression all over his elegant, noble features. His piercing forest green eyes, which could penetrate deep into your very soul, shone brighter than the most expensive emeralds as he was aiming them at the romantic, always full moon high up in the sky. His slightly raised head gave off an illusion of nobility as his pale complexion enhanced the angelic yet masculine bone-structure of his face.

The small breeze that flew around him brushed his long black Hogwarts cloak, making it swirl and bellow impressively, while his thick, luscious, raven-black hair, which every girl, woman and several boys wanted to rub their hands through, was losing the impeccably neat coupe he always maintained. It made him even more attractive to the naked eye when a blue aura deepened the pitch-black colour of his wavy hair. He breathed power; the way his tall, thin and Seeker-toned body cast a dark shadow on the tower's hard stone surface. His arms folded over each other, Tom was the poster boy of determination, a self-made man, who would create his own fortune and future; unstoppable.

To the outside world, Tom had it made. He was the epiphany of success. The poor orphan who turned into a very prince. His teachers all, well … except for one, praised his immense intelligence and magical prowess. His future was believed to be filled with power, success and glamour. Minister of Magic was already whispered in awe behind his still wet behind the ears, seventeen year old back. His fellow students adored the very ground he walked on and they did everything he told them to do out of respect and fear of his amazing magical abilities. And all the girls in Hogwarts wanted to be able to say they were the handsome, charming Head Boy's girlfriend.

Yet Tom was not happy, though his unreadable features never showed his true emotions. He kept them hidden from others in the deep dark vault his heart and soul were supposed to be. Having felt the cruelty of the world so often, he created this untouchable charade. A façade so you will. He named this creation, this act: Lord Voldemort. One should wonder why this seemingly fortunate, intelligent boy was so miserable. Well, it had everything to do with his tragic and sad past.

You see Tom grew up in a Muggle orphanage, among people who did not value nor understood his Wizarding heritage. He was called a freak; a monster; the devil. Having heard those labels from an early age on, poor, little, innocent Tom began to believe in them. After all, his own mother was killed by him or so the woman, who ran the orphanage together with her evil husband, told him repeatedly. His own mother bled to death, while giving birth to him and this was, naturally, his fault, because he was strange. All babies were supposed to cry, but he never did or so he was told. His body became bruised and mutilated from the blows it received with the cane for what they called 'unusual behaviour'. And he was hit on a daily basis by the evil, diabolical husband, who disciplined the children. They claimed they wanted to beat the devil out of him. And Tom knew they tried their best to do so, because the blows became even harder when the man had too much to drink, which was often. But it was for his own good. He was an evil, little boy after all.

During a summer trip, Tom found a hurt, little snake. He kept the tiny creature in his pocket and nursed it back to health carefully. To his surprise, it spoke to him and he understood what little Nagini said. The snake became his new best friend. However, Nagini, being an enterprising little thing, slithered out of his pocket and was discovered. Everybody screamed, and they screamed even louder when Tom talked to it. It was proof to all that he was Satan's spawn indeed. They killed Nagini and Tom was locked in a dark closet without food and water for days; crying over the loss of his precious pet.

So our misfit, Tom, had no friends in the orphanage, until one day … a beautiful blond, blue-eyed angel arrived. Her name was Mary Sue Three and she meant the world to him. Finally, his heart opened up around this Belle, who took him for what he was and made sure he was valued and no longer teased by the other children. Everybody loved Mary Sue Three and listened to her. At last, Tom's life became bearable and he woke every day with a cheer in his heart, knowing she was there for him. But one day she caught this nasty cough that wouldn't go away. The world turned dark when Mary Sue Three died and Tom was alone again, vowing to never feel the pain of love and loss ever again.

Mrs. Cole told him he was to blame for Mary Sue Three's death. The girl died, because he was evil and he had infected her with his devilish ways. Tom knew Mrs. Cole was right and at night he cried underneath his covers, while holding onto the book Nobody's boy by Hector Malot. It was Mary Sue Three's favourite book and Tom treasured it more than anything, because she gave it to him, telling him that one day he would be just as happy as Remi when he would find his true family. The book became more than a symbol to little Tom. It was his lifeline; his umbilical cord to her kindness and good heart. But the other children noticed Tom's attachment to the book and after he had been scrubbing the kitchen floor – one of his many every day chores -, he came back to the bed in his dormitory to find only ashes on his empty nightstand. They had burned his last connection with Mary Sue Three and Tom's heart turned as cold as ice.

From thereon Tom decided to be the person they all thought he was. And soon he was feared by everyone in the orphanage, because bad things happened to those who crossed his path. But deep down in his heart, he cried all day long, because he did not want to be a bad boy. He wanted to be a nice, good and loveable little kiddie. Only, no one liked him, so he had no choice but to be bad.

And then, this man, Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, came to the orphanage and told him he was a wizard. Finally, he had an answer to his many talents, to his strangeness; and what was even better, he was not alone! There were many others like him. With joy in his heart, Tom left for Hogwarts. But he found he was strange and not wanted again. Sorted into Slytherin, the pure-blood residence, our orphan Tom, who had no knowledge of his parents' heritage, was shunned and ostracised viciously. So he buried himself in his books and learned everything there was to know about magic, desperate to proof he belonged and fitted in.

Tom, quickly, became the best and brightest student Hogwarts had ever seen, but the other Slytherins still avoided him. They did not dare attack him, because they realised how powerful he was, but his blood remained a huge blockade. He hated every single one of those pure-blood bigots with a vengeance and vowed they would all bow down to him some day. It was when he discovered his true heritage and the Chamber of Secrets that he altered the balance in His House permanently in his direction. Now, they all wanted to know him, but he was not interested in their friendship anymore. Only their servitude to him mattered.

The only friend he had was Nagini Two as he named his new pet Basilisk very imaginative. He took Nagini Two everywhere with him, but then … the unthinkable happened. Nagini and Tom returned to the second floor girl's bathroom when a shrill voice shrieked.

'Go away!' said Myrtle and she died.

Scared out of his wit, Tom locked Nagini back up in the statue of Salazar Slytherin. Afraid they would kill Nagini for his mistake and close Hogwarts, he framed Rubeus Hagrid and his Acromantula. Tom made sure the large, oversized spider got away, but he could not prevent Headmaster Dippet from expelling Hagrid. It pained him to see the huggable half-giant take the fall for his crime, but he had to protect Nagini and he didn't want them to send him back to the orphanage and break his wand. Hogwarts was his ancestral home. It was all he had.

Having the knowledge of his new Slytherin identity, Tom apparated to Little Hangleton during his summer holiday. Abraxas Malfoy had supplied him with the Ministerial Family Slytherin Tree and he now realised he had a living uncle in the Gaunt family. It was a huge disappointment. Morphin Gaunt was completely bonkers and lived in a filthy environment, dressed in rags. But when Tom heard his father was still alive and rich, he felt incredibly happy. Finally, Mary Sue Three's premonition would come true. He would be like Remi and live happily ever after with his biological family. Tom Marvolo Riddle skipped joyous to the large manor to talk to his "daddy".

His father, however, wanted nothing to do with wizard trash like him. Tom Riddle Senior called him a menace, a fraud, a demon and a thief. He pulled a gun on his frozen-to-the-ground son, whose dreams of belonging were shattered ruthlessly. As he aimed, young Tom's defences kicked into gear. He whipped out his wand and called out the first thing that came to mind: 'Avada Kedavra.'

A dash of green struck his nasty, irresponsible, Who-Had-It-Coming father in the chest and Tom Riddle Senior was no more. Crying over his happy-ever-after-loss, Tom left in a daze. He knew he was truly lost to darkness from now on and that he had only himself to rely on. No, of course, he didn't kill his grandparents too. That would make him really evil, which would be inconvenient to our plot. It's better not to mention their existence. According to history, they were never there as has been testified to by many other writers before us. Just check this site and you'll see.

Anyway, Tom came back to Hogwarts, a true murderer as he saw himself and he acted upon that. He became the devil, everyone had always deemed him to be, the unofficial leader of Slytherin House and as such he terrorised everyone to do his bidding. Lord Voldemort was the name he fashioned himself with after that summer. He would no longer bare the name of his filthy Muggle father among those who followed him. Shutting down all feelings and emotions, he dabbled richly in the Arts and turned the people around him into his servants or his enemies. Either way, you were screwed.

His charming façade kept the adults at bay and helped him retain every goal he set himself. He would be the greatest wizard of all. He would beat Death himself. That school year he laid down the line and out of fear everyone around him worshipped his every breath. Tom became the most powerful and popular wizard in school. It was his way or… You get the picture.

But his new found popularity had not brought him the happiness he so desperately sought and poor, misguided Tom was lonelier than ever. He entered his seventh year as Head Boy. It had been obvious the title would go to him. Only Dumbledore was suspicious of his motives; only Dumbledore didn't trust him. But Dumbledore alone he could handle. Headmaster Dippet had always been his number one fan and Tom had played his cards right. This year he was staying in the famous Head Dorms, which had his own exquisite common room, an illustrious library, a joined-bathroom the size of a swimming pool, and many more luxuries that he felt were due to be his.

Tom had the place all to himself, because the Head Girl had decided not to come to Hogwarts for her final year because of another sad and tragic family incident. Headmaster Dippet had sloppily not been able to decide on her replacement yet. Tom was not looking forward to sharing his new private place with any of the dolts that were a part of the girls' population at Hogwarts in 1944. Was it so hard to create a beautiful, intelligent, stunning, smashing, powerful, smart, pure-blood, happy, and good witch for him? He had not met one who matched his intelligence and cunning. These were the things that went to Tom's, scratch, Lord Voldemort's mind when he was standing at the top of the Astronomy Tower that night.

He loved to come there and think. It was silent and quiet. Nobody knew he came here, so it was one of the few places he could be himself undisturbed. He had it all. The key to immortality had been supplied by goofball Slughorn, so his goal to defeat Death had been reached. And he knew he already was the greatest sorcerer alive. He just had to keep it hush-hush at the moment. No, he had it all, but still our silly Slytherin had not gained the one thing he wanted most: an equal; a girl to be his, forever. A girl, who would warm his heart and save his shredded soul for eternity.

Unknown to everyone – well, unknown to us in the real world – Tom was a romantic fellow and his character ran with the deepest of thoughts. Poetry was his passion and the only method he used to describe his true emotions if only to himself. That night on the Astronomy Tower, Tom recited his latest gem.

...

_I am so alone,_

_There is no home._

_I see your eyes above the sky_

_I ask myself, oh why, oh why._

_So sad, unfair, you had to go_

_My sweet, how I miss you so!_

_I feel my aching bleeding heart_

_By anger being ripped apart_

_I want to heal my broken soul_

_A soul that's almost turned to coal._

_I look above, I see the moon_

_I want a friend, I need one soon!_

_I know the truth about myself_

_I have been treated like an elf!_

_I want to love, to care, to feel_

_Dear stars above please help me heal!!_

...

A single tear ran down the handsome, pale cheek of Emo! Tom. And in the sky up above his prayer was heard and a shooting star illuminated Tom's face as he made his wish.

Stunned, Tom looked over the ramparts to the lake where a strange bright flash was visible above the crystal clear water. With his eagle eye vision, he saw the most beautiful girl he had ever seen land in the water and … drown!!

For some reason he knew he had to do something. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, our hero raced to the lake and dove into the freezing, ice-cold water. It was very difficult to get to the drowning mermaid because of the amount of obstacles on Tom's way. There were a lot of different things swaying on the surface of the freezing water – a pink suitcase, a red suitcase, a black suitcase made of crocodile skin, a large bag with golden initials "MHSMNSSBGHRPCM", another bag, a small wooden box, a big iron box, a high-heeled leather boot, a gorgeous bra with cup size "E", a small radio, a golden toilet seat with fluffy pink feathers, a Witch Weekly magazine, Camasutra for pure-bloods, heavy chains and a collar with metallic lashes. Yes, they all floated.

But Tom wasn't the most powerful wizard of his time for his Quidditch-muscled-toned-six-packed body and his gorgeous, charming eyes of the colour of waves in Hawaiian shores. Quickly catching up with the stunning, now submerged girl, he fished her out of the water … away from the clutches of Death and the now sunken golden toilet seat. Her body felt like a Popsicle when he carried her to the infirmary. Her long blond silken hair was now wet, but it still shone like a halo. Tom didn't see her eyes, as they were closed, but her huge midnight-black with red sparks eyelashes somehow told Tom that her eyes had to the colour of melted chocolate mixed with nougat cream.

Only two seconds later Tom made it to the infirmary with his precious mermaid still in his gentle arms. The Mediwitch was nowhere to be seen, so Tom did the only thing he could – he laid the beauty onto the bed and kissed her nose. If he didn't do something and did it fast, this angel would be dead soon.

'No, not her as well,' promised Tom to the wall as there was nobody else to hear him.

He took a small vial from a hidden pocket in his socks and uncorked it. The liquid was the same colour as a diamond, crystal clear and very expensive. Very gently he poured the liquid into the beauty's mouth, noticing that her tongue was adorned with a big, shiny sapphire in the form of a star. Just when he closed her mouth, he heard that the Nurse, Mediwitch, Healer, Witch Doctor, or otherwise known as The-Jo-Named-It-But-We-Couldn't-Remember-And-Were-Too-Lazy-To-Research-It-Properly, was returning.

'Oh, dear Merlin, Tom! Who is this?' the School Doc-Miss asked, while drooling at the sight of the handsome Quidditch player with his wet shiny midnight-blue hair.

'I'm not sure, but she needs our help,' replied Tom, while looking at the mermaid.

'Please tell the Headmaster about it, Tom. I will take care of her,' the Medi-Heal-Star asked Tom quietly.

Without a word, Tom Riddle, the Head Boy and the Gold Medal Champion of "Swimming with Obstacles", left the infirmary and his new best friend.

XXX

Maryione opened her eyes, having used her inert LeFay Healing Magic to allow Tom's Secret Master Healing Potion to process her recovery with lightning speed. She looked around; white walls, uncomfortable, small beds and a NurHealDoc.

'Infirmary,' thought Maryione.

She looked down at herself and saw a plain white cotton nightgown. 'Ewwww,' she said out loud.

Why was she dressed like that?

Maryione felt her blood turn into ice, _again_. Where was her luggage? So many expensive and fashionable things… 'Please, Merlin, let them be alright!' prayed the victim of yet another airport messed-up time-travel.

'Oh, I see you're awake, dear!' The Yoyo-Nurse rushed to the now very awake patient. 'How are you feeling?'

'Thank you, I'm all right! What year is it?' Maryione asked yawning, while looking over the Witch-Med-Doc who clearly wasn't Madam Pomfrey.

'Why, it's 1944 of course!' the Nose-Nurse said suspiciously, checking over the suddenly pleased patient.

'Could you call the Headmaster, please?' asked Maryione politely, while looking over her nails.

To her horror she found that one of the nails was broken and two other ones lacked their necessary and life-defining stones and golden circles. As if by a miracle, two people entered the room. The answer to her prayer was there.

'The one I have not seen before is small and resembles a monkey,' Maryione decided, disgusted.

The other person was Dumbledore, who looked much younger than in her time (surprise, surprise!!). She _so_ had not suspected that to be the case.

'I have to talk to you, Albus,' said Maryione, making herself comfortable on the small bed.

Albus Dumbledore only twinkled with his light-blue eyes and smiled, while the other man, "The Monkey", looked at her and asked in an unkind voice: 'Dear miss, might I ask who you are and how come you apparated onto the Hogwarts grounds?'

'I have to talk to Albus first, Sir.' The Monkey was starting to annoy Maryione.

'Armando, please leave. I have to talk to the young miss,' ordered Albus Dumbledore sweetly.

The Headmaster only frowned but nevertheless he quickly left the infirmary. The HealAss followed when Maryione sent the Witch-Healer one of her all time famous glares.

'You must be Maryione Hermito Superfly Morgan Nerys Serpie Sue Black Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell Cucaracha Merlin and you're here to help us save the future,' said Albus Dumbledore, looking at Maryione with twinkling blue eyes.

'Yes, I am, Albus. How did you know?' asked the Heiress to too many famous families slightly intrigued.

'And where the hell is my luggage?' she thought, annoyed. 'If somebody stole my priceless fashionable trendy items, they'll face my wrath!'

'My older self sent me a letter explaining everything. So no worries, I'll take care of everything. You'll be my granddaughter, Maryione Hermione Dumbledore. Is that alright with you?' Dumbledore asked, while putting an entire pack of lemon drops into his mouth.

Some candies missed the target and fell into his long auburn beard.

'Sure,' drawled Maryione lazily. 'Why am I in the infirmary?' she finally asked, distracted.

'You fell into the lake and you were resc…'

Dumbledore was interrupted by an exasperated, ear-piercing, mind-numbing shriek that came from Maryione when she heard that all her precious things were either damaged, or lost! Maryione was about to tell Dumbledore that she was going to sue the airport, no, Hogwarts if her things were not returned, when a door to the ward opened and HE stepped in.


	3. Chapter two: Review

Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts.

**Disclaimer: **We, hereby, claim that we are by no means affiliated with RDR Books. However … should we be approached by some slippery, sleazy, fast-money-making suit…

'Lawsuit, lawsuit,' coughs Serpie frantically, interrupting Nerys's typing.

'Those are two totally unrelated sentences,' Nerys replies innocently.

'I demand a disclaimer in the disclaimer.'

'Fine, fine,' Nerys sighs exasperated.

Disclaimer of disclaimer: No real life individual from RDR books is being identified or classified by above characterisation. The events, characters and firms depicted in this fanfic and disclaimer are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual firms is purely coincidental. Do not sue us; we will sue you.

So, should we be approached by some _beep_; we will solemnly swear to fill our pockets and forget anything we ever said about doing this for no profit at all. Since we all know that being allowed to post our shit online, naturally means a certain famous and dashing writer has given up all her rights to her original text whatsoever. SO DO CALL US!! We have no principles whatsoever. Of course, there are certain legal additions to our contract that need to be made in advance, because we just know we are _so_ breaching copyright if we publish this in book-form and we don't want to pay the immense lawyers' bills. (Again, any similarity is purely accidental; we are not talking about YOU. Points finger.)

Serpie coughs. 'Nerys, dear, we do not live in the United States of America.'

Nerys slams hand in front of mouth stupidly. 'Oh damn, forgot about that.'

A deep sigh emanates from both writers as they realise all their quick money making schemes just went up into thin air, because let's face it … this little gem is just dying to be published. ;p

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* * *

**Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts**

**Chapter two: Review.**

'Of course for this to be a true parody, we have to complain about the lack of proper reviews,' smart Serpie informs a typing Nerys.

'Naturally,' agrees Nerys, nodding vigorously. A light bulb flashes above her gorgeous writer's head. 'I know, I know,' she says jumping with excitement, 'we could use an entire chapter to ask for reviews alone!'

Serpie looks at her as if she has gone mental, which, by all means, is NOT the case. 'But isn't that against the rules of this website?'

'Uh?' Nerys replies dumbfounded, wondering whether Serpie had been resorted. 'It's always done by the greatest of the great; we have to copy that behaviour, otherwise we will miss a most honoured cliché and that would be bad.'

'We can't possibly be that childish,' Serpie adds contemplatively, rubbing through her long, thick beautiful hair.

It turns eerily silent.

'But we are!' they snicker in unison.

'REVIEW!!' dual voices shout, and the lone continent of Europe sighs heavily on the cold, evil cackle that remains hovering in the night.

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_Alas to be continued._


	4. Chapter three: Bittersweet colors

Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts

**Disclaimer: **Don't own and getting no money. (insert loud sobs)

**Authors' note: **We so forgot to thank our faithful reviewers: Nerys (YAY!); Serpie (YAY!); Lady Miya (YAY, YAY, YAY!); FevWhyte (YAY!); vlucia (YAY, YAY!); Jodiebaby (YAY!); Between2moon (YAY!); Kako (YAY!); Lawl (YAY, YAY!) and The-Quoi (YAY!). Yeah, the YAY's equal to the amount of reviewing. winks.

When Vasilisa told me she couldn't find our precious and sacred story (sobs), I tried the ffnet search engine myself and found there was another must-read one-shot called "MarySue and GaryStu go to Hogwarts!" by Anime Girl 666. It's not about Tom and Hermione (sighs distraught in little Ship-Land), but still I can recommend it fully. What would the world do without Mary and Gary? XD

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* * *

**Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts**

**Chapter three: The, Never Again, Supreme Masters of Bittersweet Life**

_Recap: Maryione was about to tell Dumbledore that she was going to sue the airport, no, Hogwarts if her things were not returned, when a door to the ward opened and HE stepped in._

'Does anyone need my autograph?' the blond, blue-eyed, charming, little Lockheart boy asked with a broad, white teeth smile.

'No, no,' Serpie hisses to Nerys. 'You're missing the point.'

'Uh?' Nerys retorts intelligently.

'It has to be Tom.'

'Why?'

'Because it always is. He is always HE. It's what the cliff-hanger was for.'

'Oh…' Nerys thinks about it for a long, long time. 'But then, it isn't a real cliff-hanger,' she finally rebuts triumphantly.

'Duh,' says Serpie, 'it never is. It is just about Hermione seeing the gorgeous, green-eyed, dashing boy, so she can leave her intelligence at home, and forget about her mission and how Tom Riddle was described to her… Maryione will instantly drool and…'

'STOP! Please stop!' Nerys shouts, covering her ears desperately. 'Okay, okay, we'll do it your way.'

Rewind tape.

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_Recap: Maryione was about to tell Dumbledore that she was going to sue the airport, no, Hogwarts if her things were not returned, when a door to the ward opened and HE stepped in._

**Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts**

**Chapter three: The New Victory Colors' Taste of Manipulation **

Maryione Hermito Superfly Morgan Nerys Serpie Sue Black Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell Cucaracha Merlin was through waiting in the infirmary all day long. Yes, she had seen an unknown gorgeous male specimen, who brutally tried to penetrate the unbreakable Occlumency walls of her mage mind, but she needed her priceless belongings even more than a powerful, yummy bloke or a good shag.

At last, a House-elf appeared beside her in a loud crack. Her luggage had finally arrived. Even though some of her precious things were somewhat damaged, Maryione felt a form of relief, like she had never felt before, when she saw her precious golden toilet seat with the pink fluffy feathers. Really, how could she manage without relieving herself for so long! Her healthy diet made sure that Maryione followed her lifesaving timetable, which was especially made for her petite arse alone by the most famous and expensive proctologist out there. She had already missed two extremely important body cleansing procedures, so she couldn't afford missing another one. That would have been dreadful!!

Luckily for Maryione, her silver and gold enema was made from a very rare Goblin-made- Glass, which did not break, and her golden toilet seat wasn't damaged as well. After spending two hours doing her "beauty" procedures, Maryione was ready to face the day.

During the beauty procedures, she thought often about her best friend Draco. They would always go through the cleansings together, helping each other out when one of them was "stuck". Now, however, Draco was far, far away and this made Maryione incredibly sad and on the brink of spraying crystal sparkling tears around. Maryione had always known that magic was magical, but she never expected to see magic doing magical things. Just when she thought about her friend and his liquid mercury eyes mixed with the colouring of a stormy sky when Draco was "cleansing", an impossible bright light illuminated the occupied bathroom with Maryione on her golden toilet seat, while having inserted the silver, made of the finest Goblin-made-Glass, enema in her precious behind. A magnificent horse with four ruby horns instead of a tail and ten huge silver-mercury-cloudy wings, that reminded Maryione of Draco's finest silkiest, sleekest, blondest hair, appeared before her.

'Fartomus!' cried Maryione, hugging the magnificent creature. Just when Maryione thought the surprise was over, a couple of her other friends appeared out of thin air as well.

'Just like magic!' cried the princess, looking at her three other friends delighted.

Checking over her appearance for the 1,035,432 time, Maryione left the infirmary and headed to the Great Hall alongside her always faithful friends. Albus had told her that The Welcoming Fest would begin at six p.m. But Maryione had so many things to do! So it was well after seven p.m. when our dazzling queen made her way to the place to be seen. However, our dear Maryione knew no one would mind waiting for her; they would be honoured to be allowed in her blinding presence at all.

XXX

Meanwhile, Tom strolled casually through the corridors of Hogwarts. His tremendously, all-powerful charm and intellect never failed him. Several female students gasped and crashed to the ground overwhelmed by his almighty persona and new breathtaking cologne called "All Wizard All Day". The odour, Tom felt, was as deadly as his long, curly black eyelashes that made his sparkling emerald eyes shine in the darkest of pools of moonlit tar. But only She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would be able to appreciate the fine, delicate smell of his aroma and he had yet to find this love of his life; his equal; his soul mate; his dream come true.

'Lemon drop?' Dumbledore drawled, sniffing in the air with his long, crooked nose.

Wrong gender. Panicking, Tom raced away. Perhaps another male perfume would be preferable. Quickly, he showered extensively in the luxurious, currently for his steamy eyes only, joined Head Boy and Head Girl's bathroom, where Tom applied his other nose-tearing and mind-numbing perfume. This one was called: "Darkest Musk of the I-am-far-out-hotter-than-Aragorn-and-Legolas-together Illusion".

However, beside his smelly soul mate issues, he also had to consider his encounter with Maryione Hermione Dumbledore. There was something not right about her story. It was filled with holes so large you could sail the Titanic through. 'Near, far… wherever you are… I believe that the heart does go on… Once more you open the door … lalalala,' Tom hummed subconsciously as he got handsomely dressed again.

No, Tom was certain something was wrong with Maryione. The way she simply blocked his impressive Legilimency and told him to stay out of her mind was astonishing. He'd never encounter such power and spirit before. But it was also suspicious. Only people with secrets would learn to occlude their minds like that. Only people with stuff to hide needed to be aware of others entering. But he would find out all of Maryione's secrets; he always did. It's what he had Malfoy for. If Tom had something he needed to learn, he didn't go after it himself. No, all he had to do was send the amazing blonde out on a private investigation and Abraxas Malfoy would bring him ALL the answers to the universe.

Right now, Tom was back on his way to the Great Hall for dinner and he made sure to be as late as possible. After all, everybody should realise it was his important being that needed to be waited upon. He was the epiphany of a prince waiting to ascend his thrown as he appeared there in his long, made of the finest dragon skin, black Hogwarts robes and ravishing green Armani tie. His Head Boy badge was shining so brightly with importance that it blinded several of his classmates and they had to be rushed to the infirmary permanently. His place at the head of the Slytherin table was kept free by the others who worshipped the very ground he walked on. Walburga Black's thin-lipped mouth drooled slightly when Tom sat down next to her, arrogantly ignoring her presence.

Satisfied, Tom Marvolo Riddle looked around. He was the last to sit down as it should be. Everyone should wait for his royal arse to be placed in his Slytherin inherited armchair before dinner was served. Just as Tom was about to put his jaws' force into the juicy Big Mac destruction, The Headmaster rose from his seat.

'Dear children! I'm so starving that I'll be quick. Tonight we have a new student joining our ranks. Please welcome Maryione Hermione Dumbledore!'

Tom forgot about his Big Mac and fried potatoes when SHE entered.

She was like a queen! No. She was like a white knight from one of the Hawaii islands with her tanned, silky, smooth-shaved skin and her long, muscular legs that were hugging her white-winged horse. She entered the Hall on her magnificent creature, looking like a goddess, surrounded by her other friends - three little yellow chickens.

Maryione looked around the hall briefly, noticing the stunned student body when her flashing chocolate-nougat-coffee-whatever eyes met the huge, grass-green eyes of the most handsome male in the whole universe. It was her saviour, her hero, her new masturbation dream. Shaking her head from right to left, letting her sleek shining blond hair flow in the strong wind of the Great Hall, while her heavy golden-platinum earrings, that weighted more than two kilos each, did their expensive bling-bling sound, Maryione laughed with her melodically wonderful voice. Why she laughed? She didn't know either, but she liked the sound of her voice, so she laughed all the time.

The whole Great Hall was silent. There, just before their mortal, not-so-pretty eyes stood the beauty. Her dress - which was made of the silkiest of all silks pink fog and adorned with fresh leaves from the gardens of her Family Mansion - suited her toned, fit, curvy figure like a second skin. The diamond stilettos on her shaved legs showed just how beautiful she was.

Armando Dippet, the Headmaster of Hogwarts, could not believe his eyes. He had seen the beauty yesterday when she was brought to the infirmary, but by Gods! how she changed during the last 8 hours, 34 minutes and 12,2 seconds.

Tom just stared in trance at the beauty on her horse. Was this the same woman he had seen before? It couldn't be. His jaw had dropped several inches and his burger was dripping ketchup all over his fine, green, cashmere Spencer. But the most feared wizard of all history and fiction had no knowledge of his need for a bib and a Kleenex. Fascinated, he just watched his queen ride into the Great Hall with the elegance of all the purest of bloodlines out there. Lord Voldemort knew there and then, he had found his match, his Lady of Love. A lovely daydream, which involved lots of sun tanning lotion, a beach, a clear, blue sea and said queen naked at his disposal, made its way to Tom's perverted, little mind. As his eyes turned a softer shade of moss-green, the dulcet tones of the chimp – as Tom liked to call the Headmaster – awoke him rudely from the happiest thoughts the poor, lonely orphan ever had.

'Miss Dumbledore, would you please be so kind and put the Sorting Hat on?' the still shocked Headmaster asked the beauty, while the rest of the hall looked at her, still stunned to the core.

'Duh, okay,' replied Maryione, while turning her horse, Fartomus, towards the Head Table. Three little chickens quickly ran after the shining horse.

'Gotta sit on that, eh?' drawled Maryione lazily and she jumped from her horse. The little yellow chickens ran closer to the stool and clapped their little yellow wings.

Maryione seated her firm and royal arse onto the small chair and took the old hat with two manicured with black nail polish and expensive diamonds fingers. Really, there might be fleas and ticks in there! Disgusted, Maryione put the hat on.

'Mistress!' the hat cried in Maryione's head and she winced. 'I have been waiting for over 10,000 years for you, my Lady. There is only one house you belong to…'

Annoyed, Maryione waited impatiently to hear the answer, so she could remove the smelly hat from her well perfumed body a.s.a.p.

'Supreme Hierarchy Institution of Truly Talented Esteemed Royalty!' the hat cried out loud.

No one could believe that this princess had just been sorted into the most ancient and powerful house of **S**upreme **H**ierarchy **I**nstitution of **T**ruly **T**alented **E**steemed **R**oyalty, also known as the SHITTER. Who was she?

This was something that Tom Marvolo Riddle, a.k.a. Lord Voldemort, a.k.a. You-Know-Who, a.k.a. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, a.k.a. the most brilliant student Hogwarts had ever seen, a.k.a. the handsomest Head Boy ever, a.k.a. the Heir of Slytherin, a.k.a. I-Am-So-Done-With-Making-Up-More-Shitty-Names-For-This-Poor-Misunderstood-Wizard, wanted to know too.

Maryione laughed with her Ariel-the-mermaid voice and the chickens clapped again. The utter silence in the hall then turned into a chaos. Everyone was cheering and clapping, being so happy that Maryione had come to Hogwarts.

A small table made of the finest Goblin-made-Glass appeared in the middle of the Great Hall and a new, the most beautiful and stunning, fifth emblem of Hogwarts appeared in front of everybody's eyes. A huge pink pig with twelve silver wings made of the finest Goblin-made-Glass and six huge diamond horns laughed from the emblem. The shining tiara made of… GUESS … yes, made of the finest Goblin-made-Glass sparkled on the pigs head just between the first and the fifth horns. The pig's teeth were sharp and adorned with diamonds, rubies and… YES! the finest Goblin-made-Glass. Diamond stilettos on the pig's (what do pigs have? Paws? No, not Maryione's pig) LEGS showed just how powerful the House was. And the elegant neck of the famous emblem was adorned with a sparkling Emerald Amulet, made of the finest-NO!-Elfish silver-gold-platinum-iron. It was the amulet of Pure Love, as it held the most sacred secret inside of its sphere: the Potion to reveal soul mates.

Tom marvelled at the tremendous power this new formed Pig's House and its Founder, Maryione Hermione Dumbledore, emanated. He had to learn her secrets and make her his. He was, after all, the offspring of Salazar Slytherin and all that power in Maryione's SHITTER House just made his frozen heart go boomp-a-the-boomp. Finally, he could feel again! His chest turned all warm and moist! Oh, it was the hot chocolate milk that he spilt unnoticeably. Quickly, Tom removed his ruined Spencer, leaving him seated without a cotton shirt with all the glory of his shaved, naked, broad chest visible to the common mortals to see, because it was covered only by a formal Armani green tie.

Still laughing, Maryione made it to her table and seated her apricot. She was so hungry!

Everybody started eating, all the while throwing Maryione admiring glances.

She was sooo hungry that she could have eaten a horse. This was Maryione's thought, while taking a suspicious glance towards Fartomus who was, suddenly, nowhere to be seen. The little yellow chickens were not as fast as the horse and our Maryione found three roasted Mac Nuggets on her ... dun dun dun … finest Goblin-made-Glass plate. Using her teeth and fingers, Maryione destroyed the small aperitif and moved on to the main course.

'And she can eat for real too!' Tom thought astounded. This was soooo sexy, he admitted.

Violently, he mirrored Maryione's gestures by ripping a piece of white meat from his turkey paw away with his blinking white teeth. Her actions brought a pearl drop of sweat to his fine and noble features. Absentmindedly, the Junior Dark Lord loosened his tie and wiped the melted "Quick Tan for Noble Heir's" lotion from his broad tanned, shaved, naked chest. This act caused Walburga to pass out and Miss Black plummeted underneath the Slytherin table, but nobody noticed the pure-blood damsel anymore, because all eyes were glued to the latest and prettiest addition of the Hogwarts student body.

When Maryione's fake sharp teeth, made of - NO! Not the Goblin thingy again! - the best porcelain in China, dove into the juicy flesh of a 28 pound pig, she was happy. A small bucket of the finest Elfish vodka and a five-gallon goblet of the bloodiest Bloody Mary were just about enough for Maryione to satisfy her thirst and hunger. Really, with a diet like hers, Maryione was constantly feeling hungry. She could eat all she wanted and never gain a single ounce, so what wouldn't a woman like her do to maintain the super shape she was in?

Just when Maryione was ready to go to her own House, which was located above Hogwarts way up there in the shiny, sunny skies, the Headmaster stood up once again.

'Yes, yes, I also want to pee, so I'll be quick!' mumbled Headmaster Dippet. 'As you all know, we don't have a Head Girl this year. So, I would like to think that our wonderful Miss Dumbledore would help us out and take the position as the Head Girl of Hogwarts!'

The thunderous applause was so loud that Maryione almost didn't hear her own laugh, almost. She waved condescendingly and endearingly to the masses all around her.

Professor Dumbledore smiled sweetly enhanced by his everlasting twinkling eyes and the Headmaster continued. 'So, this year our Head Boy and Head Girl are our best students – Mister, I'm the root of all evil, Tom Marvolo Riddle and Miss, I'll save the day, Maryione Hermione Dumbledore!'

'WTF?' thought Maryione. 'Who's this Riddle bloke?' She scratched her tender pink scalp flesh with a long sharp nail, trying to remember where she had heard that name before. 'Tom Marvolo Riddle. I am Lord Voldemort. Who's he again? It does ring a bell somewhere far, far away in Never-Neverland.' Maryione could feel how her mighty brain worked, sending hot pink steam from her elegant, pure-blood to the core, ears. 'Voldemort? Is he a model or smth? Hmmm, neee… A singer? Neee… A president? Nee.'

And then IT hit her.

'OMFG!' screamed Maryione out loud, and she fainted.

The whole of the Great Hall turned silent in shock when their princess passed out with a very quiet _thud_ that made the stone walls of Hogwarts sway and shake. But before anyone else could have reacted, his lordship was already there, lifting our Cinderella up in his strong arms and carrying her away to the Head Dorms. Yes, they have Head Dorms at Hogwarts. There is no point in denying it, they exist! Get over it.

Anyway, the whole of the Great Hall stood in awe at seeing the Prince, scratch, King, scratch, Lord of Ice, that's it, looking down at the drooling, feather-light (I wanna a diet like that as well!) Belle in his arms with genuine care and concern in his normally cold, forest-green, onyx-sparkling, piercing eyes. All of the sudden the New Girl lost some of her tremendous popularity among the female population of Hogwarts. Several groups of girls were falling into each other's arms, crying relentlessly at knowing that their Prince Charming was forever lost to them and a few Slytherin ones were plotting to commit Murder One.

All the boys now knew that they could forget about courting the Lady of Pigs, since it was clear Tom stated his irremovable claim on the young, brilliant woman right there and then. No one would dare to challenge him; no one. Well, except for our daring, dashing, extraordinary blonde, but, alas, Draco-The-Superhero-and-Cleansing-Partner was nowhere to be seen, yet. So right now, it was correct to say that no one would dare to go against the gorgeous, strong, well-built, tall, with a nice six pack and a terrifying, masculine snake tattoo on his muscled chest outfitted, silver earring wearing, I am the best student ever, Head Boy.

Headmaster Dippet nodded approvingly to his favourite student, who took charge of the situation while the teachers were sitting frozen in horror at the sight of the hurt, little, damsel in distress, deer-eyed, unconscious Head Girl. Carefully, Tom carried our fragile and very slim, because of the wonderful diet, Maryione up the stairs to the special Head Dorms Tower in their own special universe.

-

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**A/N:** Added disclaimer: No animals, besides Serpie, were damaged during the writing of this shi-…Masterpiece.


	5. Chapter four: My Imperishable

Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts

**Disclaimer: **still not ours, but give us time … we are trying to 'convince' Jo to hand us everything. We just know that when she reads our baby – yes, when not if –, she will realise Harry would be so much safer with us. insert evil cackle

**Authors' note: **This chapter is dedicated to Tara, our fictitious friend and grand example in life; may her voice and writings continue to plague the fandom forever. She alone is the queen of badfics; and we, Serpie and Nerys, know we fail to grasp her omnipotent and vast language skills in this shi… masterpiece. For that we apologise to you all; sincerely.

'We love the dazzling author "XXXbloodyrists666XXX"!' Nerys and Serpie squeal fan-girl-ishly.

'And she has more than 10,000 flaming hot reviews!' they add enviously, while they thank Dracosblondiegirl, Lady Miya, Lawl, The-Quoi, and – yes – themselves (!!) for reviewing the last chapter.

'Have a cookie everyone!!' Nerys says, chewing on a chocolate chip one.

Serpie died yesterday when she looked at 'My Immortal'. Glares at Nerys, who casually advised to "have a look, dear". So much inspiration, SO MUCH!!

With special thanks to GenericWit for showing us the way to "My Immortal". Otherwise we may have never found the gem of Potterfanfics.

--

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**Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts**

**Chapter four: My imperishable**

Everything seemed so … dizzy when Maryione (what's her name?) woke up. She royally rose from the comfy pink sofa that was so soft and trendy, that Maryione instantly had crystal tears in her creamy-chocolate-caramel-nougat eyes that sparkled with the light of the most expensive diamonds, which reminded Maryione of her mother's, who she had never seen, diamond necklace. (AN: what on earth do you mean by run-on sentence? Duh. I like it and I am a God in my universe.)

'_What happened_,' thought Maryione, looking around the room. It was perfect!

The room was made in a form of a round triangle with six corners. The huge windows made of the - GUESS…Yes! - of the finest Goblin-made-Glass let the golden with coppery flashes, just like Maryione's eyes, sun-rays illuminate the huge garden located on the massive balcony. There were trees of every kind: apple trees, strawberry trees (A/N: I know! But this is my story, so if I want Maryione to have strawberry trees, then she has them and you can all just... _beep..._), mushroom bushes and small gnomes dressed in the royal pink towels with the emblem of Maryione's house.

The grass was pink and shone like Goblin-made-Glass when the moon kissed the sun and the stars watched. There was a small lake in the middle of Hyde Park; uh?? I mean the small 'corner of nature' that was actually a fairytale-styled balcony that floated in the air. Three little yellow chickens were swimming in the crystal water of the frozen lake, clapping their little yellow wings happily and eating glittering snow that looked as if it was made of … 5 points to Nerys for the right guess. It was so magical that it made Maryione think about magic doing magical things to the magical things around her in magical magic.

'No wonder everyone used to tell her that she was the brightest witch of her age,' thought Maryione satisfied. Yes, she was a moron prodigy.

'Smack my bitch up,' sang Maryione and she rocked her hips to the sweet melody.

Laughing happily with her wonderful voice, Maryione smiled showing her newly renovated teeth made of the finest Chinese porcelain to her perfect reflection in the Goblin-made-Glass. Using the force of nature, Maryione flew to her bed that was located in the most beautiful room she had ever seen.

Of course, her room in her Royal Cucaracha Family Mansion was also very, very nice, but Maryione didn't really like the fact that the house was located in Mexico. Her papa's business disturbed her rest. Gosh, she could still remember those disgusting Mudbloods who raided her wonderful Mansion and took all her papa's "potions" away. Really, no one disturbs Maryione's cleansing procedures. Draco was also furious; Maryione remembered this fondly.

The bitch; oh no, oops, my bad. I mean the stunning, lovely, delightful girl, whom everybody loves with a passion unseen and unrivalled in humanity before, looked up at the enchanted ceiling, which showed – no, not porn, you sickos – the bright silver moon and the sparkling stars that looked as if they were made of Goblin-made-Glass and our Sunshine laughed contently with herself and her fitting environment for her self-important being.

Putting her royal fit body onto the covers of bed, Maryione noticed with disgust that the covers were not as soft as her skin, even though they were made of the finest Troll-made-silk (don't ask; we beg of you). The colour was OK, Maryione decided. She liked pink and blue, and green, and yellow, and red, and purple, and brown… So, all the colours in the room were an absolute match to Maryione's taste.

'How did they know?' she squeaked excitedly and a happy _"I-love-my-dentist"_ smile erupted on her gorgeous face.

Looking at the disgustingly, out of place, black light-switch button, Maryione farted with pleasure and the light-switch turned blue. 'That's better,' she thought.

Black was not Maryione's favourite colour. It reminded her of her youth when she wore her black trousers with black boots and black hair. Her name was Ebony, or Enoby, at that time, but no one knew, because she used glamour charms to keep her Goth! Look hidden. Only Silky Voice Severus knew, Maryione remembered happily, since he was a member of the "Black Pussy Backstreet Gang" that sang and played in the underground magical pubs and dungeons.

Quickly grabbing her golden with blue and red stripes nightgown, Maryione happily seated her firm ass onto the golden with pink fluffy feathers toilet seat that was standing right there where she wanted it. Right beside her round star-shaped bed, which she snuggled back into after she was done with creating a nicely phoenix-shaped turd.

Across the corridor from Maryione's devastatingly gorgeous room and interconnected by the totally, illogically, adjoining, shared bathroom for two teenagers of the opposite sex in a castle that even has magical safeguards to prevent boys from entering the girls' dormitory, however, was another, slightly different room in which Tom was lying fast awake on his bed in his (surprise, surprise) bedroom. It was his hide out from the world; his special Emo! Goffik! Place. Ebony black curtains were covering the darkened windows; the walls had dark black wallpaper with scenes of blood, gore and skulls on them. His Giant-Made-Bed, which consisted of the frames of real human bones, had dark ink black veils hanging around it, waving in a melancholic, sinister manner. The tar black satin sheets glowed in an ominous, dreary, wicked, apocalyptic method, while a green skull spit out a large snake from its mouth in the graffiti Tom spray-painted on the wall behind his bed himself. The ground made of (yes!) Vampire-bitten-black-marble-tiles had a blood-red-Vampire-666-Persian carpet on it. The rug was adorned with silver snakes, whose eyes had glowing emeralds as stones. _(A/N question: Nerys, do you want to decorate my new closet?) (A/N reply: Only if you'll do my Chamber of Secrets, Serpie)._

'Girls so loved this room,' thought Tom satisfied.

It oozed power, importance, gloom and depression, which he felt was very trendy and hot. As he stared in deep contemplation at the dark abyss that was his enchanted ceiling, his hi-fi stereo, state of the art, dolby digital surround set boomed the desolate tunes of Evanescence "My Immortal" into the very fibre of his being.

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

_Chorus:  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me_

His heart swelled up as he thought of the new girl and how she felt wonderful in his arms. He rubbed his still sore, extraordinary, impressively, muscled biceps – which would make Arnold Schwarzenegger envious –, while remembering the delicate weight of The Princess. He had placed her on her sofa in the dull appearing bedroom for the Head Girl. Deciding that this was no place fit for his Empress of Love, Tom used his enhanced decorative skills – which he learned some time ago from a famous Estonian girl, who wants to remain anonymous (yes, you guessed right; we can all blame Serpie) – to magical alter the room to fit Maryione's wildest dreams.

It was the utmost bling-bling chamber he ever created; even more so than the Malfoy Manor he redid during the summer holiday to earn some pocket-money to buy chocolate ice-cream with nougat filling and two strawberries hidden inside. Interior decorating was Tom's very secret calling and his dream was to one day tell the world all about it on Oprah. And he would be sooo cool that he'd have his own perfume line. Well, after he became the most powerful, evil wizard of all time, naturally.

Looking around his dark and blackened bedroom, he felt unworthy of such a lovely creature as The Maryione. She was so colourful and happy. He could tell, because his Decorative Spell for the Truly Famous and Powerful mimicked a person's mood in their chambers. There was no way a girl – no, a woman – like her could ever understand his inner turmoil and extreme agony. But he just had to have her, make her his. He could feel it in his tormented, black-like-coal, heart. He was the Heir of Slytherin and she the Founder of the most honourable house of SHITTER. They were meant to be together; 4 eva and eva 2 b 2gether.

The fates up above approved of his reasoning and sent another shooting star across the dark-black pit that was his sanctuary. And Tom knew Maryione Hermione Dumbledore of the Supreme Hierarchy Institution of Truly Talented Esteemed Royalty would be his saviour; his hope of escaping darkness and finding true love; his new masturbation dream, he added hastily as he, suddenly, needed to service his now throbbing and – wow, that will never fit, since it is larger than the Eiffel Tower – thingy. A knock on the door disturbed his very pleasant activity, and annoyed, he flung open the door; his enormous pole still standing proudly. 'Whoever it was could help him out with the rest of it,' Tom thought arrogantly.

'Malfoy, welcome,' Tom said, smirking wickedly at the now even more pale – like a vampire in Tom's secret "Dear Diary" with the pale skin and eyes like ice, and no fangs! – , aristocratic features of the blond pure-blood.

'You are just in time to service your Lord.'

XXX

The room was bright. Every little object in the supreme room, that was made of - CORRECT - the Goblin-shit, shone with different colours of life. Maryione woke up when she felt a pool between her shaved legs. Laughing, she stood up and sat back on her golden with pink fluffy feathers toilet seat.

'Severus was so hot,' she thought, while pushing her 'toxic-waste' into the plumbing of Hogwarts.

A new day began; Maryione decided and went to dress herself in… dun dun dun. Oh no, I can not do this again. You all get the picture. Just imagine like a thousand lines about clothing, make-up and appearances. And so we wait until everyone has envisioned this before continuing...

Maryione was about to enter the Great Hall when she was knocked down and fell on her petite arse. Shocked, she looked at the intruder and saw some weird freak on broom. He had short blond hair and he was wearing a "Spice Girls" tank top that matched with the khaki military shorts and heavy black boots with metallic chains. Professor McGonagall saw the bastard too and was about to curse him with Avada Kedavra when she was knocked down as well.

'Out of the way, bitches!' the stylish bloke on the broom roared.

Just when he was about to fly into the Great Hall, a few first-years jumped on him and tried to bring him down.

'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MOTHERFUCKERS?' the broom-lover roared.

Just then Maryione understood that it was her friend, Albus, the Transfiguration teacher at Hogwarts, the Supreme Mugwamp, and a really nice person in total.

Looking over her time-table, Maryione decided that this year was way too easy.

_Monday._

_5.45 – Waking up_

_6.30- Cleansing 1_

_7.30- Breakfast- 6 bottles of beer, 1 pig, 6 McNuggets, 5l Cola_

_8.00- Potions_

_9.45- Break_

_10.00- Supreme Divination for ArchiMages _

_11.45- Break_

_12.00- Yoga with Yoda_

_13.46- Lunch- 1l of Vodka, 2 cows, 187 peanuts_

_15.00- Swimming_

_16.00-Singing_

_17.00-Dancing_

_18.00- Masturbation_

_18.01- Dinner- 6 peanuts, 6 gallons of wine, 4 turkeys, ice-cream_

_20.00- TV_

_21.00- Live-journal time_

_23.00-Cleansing_

_00.00- Sleepy_

So, it was time to go to Potions. But first, she just had to change. There was no way she could possibly wear her breakfast outfit to class. That simply would not do. The thought alone was appalling. Besides, she needed to pee too. So Maryione stood up from her table when her eyes fell on the familiar green ones across the Great Hall.

'Harry!' our Miss Brilliant thought, but then, reality sank in. 'Oh no, it's that hot Voldemort bloke,' she muttered. 'I keep forgetting he has to have the same eye colour as Harry Potter, because the synchronism of Time would be gravely distorted otherwise, since Arch Rivals always have the same eye colour.'

Swaying her luscious hips, she moved away sexily, feeling the gaze of the hottest Dark Lord EVER in the back of her well-rounded arse.

Tom stared at the same behind dreamily, remembering the wonderful early morning experience he had in the shared bathroom. Maryione obviously thought she had the place to herself when she went skinny dipping in the pool. But no door remained locked for Mr Tom, I-Am-So-Fantastic-I-Select-Myself-As-My-Biggest-Fan-And-Role-Model-Ever, Riddle.

So, Tom remembered how Maryione was swimming in the pool, naked, while he was brushing his teeth at the sink, combing and styling his hair in front of the large, silver-green, snake-themed mirror, shaving his baby-bottom-smooth skin, waxing and bleaching his arse, inserting a new silver, scary-looking navel piercing, peeing and shitting extensively on the toilet when some pink feather pricked his tender arse.

Cursing the strange feathers back to oblivion, Tom sat back on the now bare golden toilet seat and continued his defecation all the while staring at the naked, extremely large proportioned girl, who was unaware of his presence. She swam like a goddess, a fairytale mermaid, with powerful strokes in a swimming method he had never witnessed before. He only wished he could swim like that. A large fart of the divine new girl made the water of the pool churn and whirl dangerously and Tom escaped the poisonous gasses just on time.

Stirring his snake-shaped cereal around his milk absentmindedly, the Dark Lord Junior dreamt on. Until he realised it was Monday; time for Potions with Hotties. He rose from his Slytherin inherited, luxurious, velvet armchair with the dignity of Royalty and strode over to the dungeons.

Tom sat down beside Abraxas, who was still slightly hoarse from last night, with a knowing smirk. 'Malfoy.'

'M-Master,' Abraxas whispered afraid to get choked again.

Tom loved Potions. He was the top student in the class – well, he was the top student, period – and Professor Slughorn just adored him. It was when Malfoy had an unpleasant surprise.

'S-Sluhon tund ill; the s-s-subs-stitut teher wibe here s-s-shotly,' Abraxas clarified, still having problems talking after Tom hit his vocal cords repeatedly last evening.

'Damn,' Tom said. He hated substitute teachers. Morons, the lot of them, and they always forgot to give him his well-earned, suck-up, teacher's pet, House points.

The door flew open, and with his black robe bellowing impressively behind him, Severus Snape paced into the classroom. He swirled in front of the black board, thrice for kicks, and everyone was gasping with awe at his stunning, smooth, yet scary persona. His long, shoulder-length, black hair was shining so bright and slick that drops of grease fell all around him; yet this did not gross anyone out. They all stood, scratch, sat mesmerised by The Voice that spoke ever so softly.

'Page three-hundred-and-ninety-four,' Snape said silkily.

Three girls and two boys passed out immediately. And a daring Walburga raised her hand. 'Which page, Professor?' she asked wide-eyed.

Snape glared at her for a moment, and Walburga hopped excitedly in her chair as her seat began to become extremely moist. 'Detention, detention,' the girl wishfully thought, while crossing her fingers behind her back.

'Page three-hundred-and-ninety-four, Miss Black,' Snape smoothly spoke.

'Ooohh,' moaned several students, coming on the spot.

Used to this phenomenon, Sevvie ignored their antics and stepped to Walburga's desk. 'And five-thousand points from Slytherin for conceiving a certain dog,' he added sneeringly at the now duly crushed and broken teenager, who was rushed to the infirmary asap.

Tom was furious. How dare that bitch lose him all his well-earned points? She would definitely pay for that later. He never liked Sirius Black either, after all.

'So, our new celebrity,' Snape continued huskily, 'Mr Riddle, otherwise known as the Dark Lord, can you tell me the concepts of Miasmiticila Morrossa Exotica Individoalauo Potion?'

Tom Riddle smiled broadly. That was easy. So he did his usual charming routine and elaborated extensively on all the intricate details of said Potion.

'Ten-thousand points for Slytherin,' Snape smiled satisfied. 'Oh, and Mr Riddle, what is the Potion for?'

'It's the most powerful shampoo out there, Sir,' Tom knowingly said.

'Take another ten-thousand points, Mast…, My Lor…, uh…, Tommy dear,' Snape said, winking at his Lord.

Everybody in the class sat in complete shock when Severus Snape moved closer to his Lordship and whispered to him secretively in secret, meaning no one else heard what they were talking about.

'Do you know any good hookers around here? I'm so horny,' he said with that velvety voice of his.

Penetrating Snape's mind, Tom decided that he liked the bloke; a Goth!, dark and horny. His man!

'Yeah, I know a few ones,' said Tom loudly in his commanding voice, while directing his eyes and nodding shortly towards the shy Malfoy heir.

A look of extreme understanding and knowing passed between the two sexiest Slytherins ever and EVER! And there is NO debate about that fact possible. Just so you all know.

Snape was about to continue to make sure Slytherin would take the House Cup that year when the door flew open again and our heroin entered. Snape felt his monstrous cock rise up and shine when he saw HER. Maryione laughed with her magical voice when she saw Severus and his 'tool'.

'Snap-Snip!' she cried and jumped in his arms.

The short blue dress that existed of two small towels and the high-heeled army boots made Severus forget about everything. And the two made hot passionate luv on the teacher's desk in front of everyone.

Tom didn't like that at all.

Someday the sunny skies would not shine on Severus, if the Dark Lord had his way.


	6. Chapter five: The only one he ever loved

**Disclaimer: **yadiyadiyadi… you know the drill.

**Authors' note: **we just have to thank our lovely reviewers.

'Serpie, Serpie! Hide the pitchforks quickly!!' Nerys shouts frantically, while pulling a cap over her pointed horns. 'They are on to us.'

Serpie immediately hides said pitchfork behind her back and blinks innocently. 'Who?'

'Someone…,' Nerys whispers as she glares over her shoulder, 'identified us as bitches.'

'NO!!' Serpie shouts devastated.

'Yes, I know,' Nerys cries, 'while we are nice, kind…'

'Friendly, lovely, charming, good…,' Serpie adds, batting her eyelashes.

'And innocent women,' Nerys says, placing a halo above Serpie's head.

'Yes,' Serpie agrees, 'well… except for maybe … that one week of the month…'

'Alright,' Nerys grumbles, 'and when we had a bit too much to drink.'

'Of anything,' Serpie adds, 'and when we have to get up real, real early in the morning.'

'When we have to get up at all,' Nerys realises.

'And there is no coffee for breakfast,' Serpie shivers.

'Or no chocolate in the house.'

'Or when there are no men around and you wanna…'

'Or when they are men around.'

'Or women.'

'Or when we are alone behind a laptop with internet-connection.'

'Yes, that one is dangerous and baaaadddd.'

'Hmmm…' They both look contemplatively.

'We are good when we sleep!' Serpie shouts, glad she finally found proof to our not-bitch-statement.

'But then we dream.'

'Oh yeah,' Serpie says disappointed that is a no-go either. 'What about the four other stages of sleep then?'

Nerys looks up excitedly. 'YES! That is it. See, readers, we – Nerys and Serpie – are SAINTS!'

'It's been proven,' Serpie states satisfied.

Somewhere in a galaxy far, far away… a gathering of fled, angst-ridden, ancient boyfriends mutter amongst one another: 'They obviously never tried to sleep next to themselves in that non-REM phase. Always the kicking and the poking with the limbs. And the loud, demonic snoring. Not to mention the fact they can wake up at any given second.' A shiver runs amongst them, while they thank the Gods they are not on planet Earth anymore.

Anyway, the world thanks all those who reviewed, because they inspired us to write another chapter of this shi… masterpiece. The culprits, otherwise known as our new partners in crime, are: Dadaismo; Blindfaithoperadiva; Lady Miya; ShinketsuKarasu; The-Quoi; Healermolly; Dracosblondiegirl; Lawl; and of course our lovely, yet slightly "out there" authors themselves.

--

* * *

**Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts**

**Chapter five: The only one he ever loved**

Months and months and months had passed, and slowly, Tom began to open up to his new neighbour across the hall: the amazing, all-powerful, saviour of the Wizarding World, Foundress of the new House of Supreme Hierarchy Institution of Truly Talented Esteemed Royalty, Maryione Hermione Dumbledore. She was his match every step of the way, except in Divination. Tom had smirked every time Professor Char Nostradamus had sighed in despair of Maryione's dreadful knowledge and skill of the Sacred, Ancient Art of Divination.

So, the good professor had assigned him – everybody's favourite, top-notch student – to tutor Miss Dumbledore. He had been mocking Maryione when she held his tea cup the wrong way, until she opened her mouth and told him she saw: "yellow eyes on a poisonous green serpent, a huge statue of an old man with a beard that reached his feet, snake pillars, and the strange sentence I am Lord Voldemort". She had glared at him with a triumphant, devious expression on her perfect face with peachy-creamy skin, and he had not questioned her true Divination powers ever again. Nor did he dare to have her _read_ anything concerning his future ever again. Too many secrets he needed to keep hidden.

He stole a shy glance in her direction as they were sitting at the table in their Head Common Room, studying. She was gorgeous with her sparkling stoned doe-shaped eyes of honeydew and maple leaf; her blue and pink highlighted sleek and shiny blond hair falling across the lines of her elegant high cheekbones; the way she made the windows break when she sneezed; or how the room filled with the smell of roses as she farted.

And she was so terrific during Care of Magical Creatures, Tom realised as a little yellow chicken crossed the table, clapping its little yellow wings for the last time, because in a swift move, without looking up from her book, Maryione snatched the chicken's neck in her hand, swung it through the air above her head six times, chanting in the Magic of the Olde, and a pile of McNuggets appeared on a silver, Hobbit-made, platter before her – with sweet-and-sour dip. She was magnificent. Tom sighed.

But when Miss Magnificent looked up, the scary and evil Dark Lord quickly moved his grass-green eyes back on his parchment where his Potions essay should have been instead of a picture of gorgeous Maryione in all the colors of life (Yesss, he can fucking paint too, not only write poetry) and he accidentally knocked the paint over with his artist's Mona Lisa Smile Brush.

He had become incredibly clumsy around her. She made his once-upon-a-time-cold-and-black heart beat more rapidly; his six-pack stomach fluttered; his Mentos fresh breath hatched; he had to wear Libero/Huggies diapers to prevent embarrassing leakages; his shit turned into the bright pink colour of Maryione's house emblem; he forgot about the trip stairs and wore bandages twenty-four/seven now; he almost got bunked from the Quidditch team had the Snitch not flown into his hand during the last match, while he was merely staring at the most gorgeous specimen of a woman he had ever seen; his grades plummeted, because his essays consisted only of little drawn hearts stating "Tom loves Maryione" and "M+T 4eva".

In his wildest dreams, he saw her hugging him, then running away… And Tom would wake up in his shallow, cold, dark, depressing, Goffik room, sobbing quietly into his black linens, just like his aching, bleeding heart, whispering, while his crystal tears quietly ran down his rosy, pale-white cheeks: 'Don't leave me.' All alone in his cold and desperate desperation.

He was just so nervous; he just didn't know how to act normally anymore and it was getting on his nerves that his nerves made him so nervous that he was just so nervously incapacitated which was a very nervous situation. He was The Heir of Slytherin; he was gonna be the most voguish, hip wizard eva; he was Head Boy and Student Extraordinary; he was Lo-Lo-Lollipop – no – Lo-Lo-Lord Vo-Vo-Volvo…

Tom halted there - since that would be too easy a joke, even for your Pulitzer price winning authors: Serpie and Nerys. Tom just couldn't think The Name anymore. It was evil. But it was what he dreamed of becoming. It was who he was, is, should be, will be… Abruptly, he stood up and raced to the green and silver bathroom to vomit into his now secretly secretive fetish- a golden toilet seat with one lonesome and all alone pink feather left. All alone just like him. He would hug the toilet seat that still kept the scent and the heat of Maryione who spent hours with her 'Mermaid Mouth' as Tom once accidentally heard Maryione call the toilet seat while he was lying on the floor near the door to the bathroom, listening. He would hug the seat at nights when the nightmares of his unhappy lonely past kept him awake and when his favourite teddy-bear was already soaked with Tom's crystal clear tears. He loved the seat that kept a part of Maryione. He even wanted to turn it to a horcrux, but the very idea of somehow damaging Maryione's precious 'Mermaid's Mouth' was so painful and intolerable, that Tom started weeping all over again.

His stomach was so upset; he didn't know what to do anymore. He became desperate in his despair. He always wanted to be feared and to keep his cool, but this Princess had pricked through his steel armour of Goblin-Made-Glass and shattered it.

He remembered the first time she had seen his bedroom. She had come in to lend a Divination's book she didn't have and naturally he had the ONLY copy of the school library. Her smile warmed and lighted up his room as he had given it to her. He would do anything for his girl. She had looked around before patting him on the head and telling him it was just a phase and all would be better in the future. Then, she left, placing a soft sexxxy kiss on her manicured hand and blowing it to him by air as she departed. His heart had swelled up at her gesture and verbal response. She understood! Tommy had cried for hours after that, hugging his secret, black teddy bear that wore a little pink jumper adorned with a platinum pig. The bear was also very lonely and Emo!

And now, he felt sick to his stomach. He wanted to be himself again; strong, powerful, masculine, and bad to the bone. YES! It is I, Lord Voldemort! That was his identity and he needed Lord Voldemort; he desperately needed him (as do the writers of this bullsh… canon-consistent story). And he heaved once more into the loo.

Suddenly, soft hands pressed a cold, damp cloth against his forehead. Two arms hugged him gently.

'You don't have to be him anymore,' Maryione whispered knowingly. 'I love you, Tom, and I will never leave you.'

He buried his head in her voluminous chest and cried his eyes out. 'I-I lu-lu-luv you too,' he stuttered.

And they became boyfriend and girlfriend.

Tom and Maryione were leaving the bathroom when a sparkle, sparkling bit of magic shined through the air and a second, once-black-but-now-a-happy-green feather hugged the lonely pink one on the toilet seat: soul mates together at last!

(insert Authors ran to their bathrooms…That shit is just toooooo much!)

XXX

Tom woke up and he felt his heart jump to the ceiling - he was not alone anymore, he had Maryione! While getting ready to face the day, Tom quietly came to Maryione's door and sat on the floor, crying from happiness. The loud snoring from behind the door told him that his Princess was still asleep.

'Sleep well, my beauty, my happiness, my love,' Tom whispered and fell asleep as well. Guarding his treasure.

With a particularly loud snore, Maryione woke up. Happily removing her 'Ant-made-woollen' night gown, Maryione tried to remember why this day was so particularly particular.

'It's the Ball, bitches!' roared Maryione to the little yellow chickens that had special resurrection powers and returned from the deepest depths of Hades underworld's shit every night.

Happily smiling, Maryione went over the details once more. She was responsible for the ball and everything just HAD to be perfect. Because she had a boyfriend and was a girlfriend now.

Yessss…It was the time for The Ball. A masquerade ball! ('Oh, dear god, please no,' Nerys sighs, while an evil cackling Serpie types on.)

XXX

Looking over her entire appearance once more, Maryione decided that she did look wonderful.

'No one will eva recognize me,' Maryione thought looking at her Banana dress. It was a very expensive Gucci outfit that she had to order for the 'No time limits' special magazine for special witches from the 46th century. It was a sparkling banana that covered her from head to toes. The glittering yellow color was illuminated by 175753487520387556 small electric lamps designed by King Abu Mustafa Aziz Ibn Rashid Al-Jahar for the new Gucci line. The material was not a Goblin-made-Glass, or Troll-made-Silk, nor was it Vampire-bitten-whatever. It was hi-tech plastic titanium designed for the space shuttles and underground machines used in the 78th century. The shape was so banana that bananas died of envy when they looked at the dressed up Maryione. Her shoes- specially designed army boots made of 'Darkest Coco-wood' had huge platforms with pointed noses (what do shoes have?) and glittering diamonds. The best part of the outfit, and the one that Maryione liked the most, was a huge Pineapple on the top of the top of toppest banana. The pineapple was huge- made of crystal tears and diamonds, it illuminated the room even better than the 175753487520387556 electric lamps on her hi-tech plastic titanium banana-dress.

A small 'bimbim' sound let Maryione know that someone had written her a message in MSN. Quickly grabbing her pink diamond Pavillion HP, Maryione typed a reply.

--

DA MAN  
"LOL, yo, bitch! Wazzup?"

Toilet-seat-I-luf-u!  
"Yo! Wanna hang out 2day? So cool, LOL. Da best paaaarty, dude!"

DA MAN  
"Duh, WTF? Why didn't ya sms me b4? I need a cool outfit, luff"

Toilet-seat-I-luf-u!  
" Dude, be cool! I'm waiting in Hogwarts, in 1945.'

DA MAN  
"Yo! luvv 40s"

Toilet-seat-I-luf-u!  
"Got boyfriend"

DA MAN  
"…"

Toilet-seat-I-luf-you  
"Draco-poo?"

DA MAN  
"(insert crying smiley) Who?"

Toilet-seat-I-luf-you  
"Me and Tom are Boyfriend and Girlfriend"

Hack-bitch Weasel-Ho!  
"Tom Who"

Toilet-seat-I-luf-you  
"Riddle, Tom Riddle. Don't be late 2night, luff, cus I wanna paaarty!"

DA MAN  
"No problemos, luff. Hasta la vista, baby!"

Toilet-seat-I-luf-u!  
"ROFL"

Da MAN  
"Lolz"

Hack-bitch Weasel-Ho!  
"Nooooooooo!!"

--

And Draco's brand-new state-of-the-art Nokia N95 exploded leaving him lost without his GPS and internet-connection. Damn those providers for making him lose his one link to Maryione!

Finally satisfied, Maryione left her room to greet the guests she had invited. She was more than sure that everyone would turn up since she was best friends with all of them.

And they were still boyfriend and girlfriend.

XXX

Tom had been equally busy to prepare. After witnessing Maryione cast so many powerful and impressive Decoration Charms of the Olde and Ancient Ones, he was struck with awe. Never before had Tom Riddle been impressed by someone creating Enchanted Mistletoe, Sparkling Stars, Hovering Red Pumpkins, Pirate Flags and all other things that were just vital to the every day existence of the Bold and the Beyond. But Maryione had changed him so much. A happy sob sounded through the room and Tom wiped a lonely teardrop of happiness of his gorgeous happily cheek that was – yes – happier than ever. Checking himself over in the mirror, Tom felt he looked smashing. Nagini Five – a gift from His Girl – slither underneath the bed with wide eyes. Tom decided Nagini also felt he was a sight for sore eyes.

Tom prepared to leave, but he needed to know the time. Alas he had given his priceless Mickey Mouse Watch to Maryione. The look on her face, when she pulled the pink ribbon of the box and opened it, would remain stained in his memory forever.

'Oh Tom,' Maryione had cried.

And they hugged. It was worth loosing his long-loved possession for. Because they were boyfriend and girlfriend.

Tom decided to leave anyway. He had to go to the centre of the centre of the heart of the central London to get his new car to go to the dance in. So, looking around the room, Tom found it! His ticket to London, the very secret transportation by Porky. No one, not even Jo Rowling had been in on this mysterious device. Yes, a pink Pig-Key was the best invention ever. It was a fabulous means of Wizarding Transport to get him to the dealer.

Quickly, Tom opened the door of the dashing silver Aston Martin convertible. On the hood his Snake-and-Skull insignia was spray-painted handmade in the colour of his dashing emerald eyes. Green leather seats hugged his hips and lean form while he turned the key and the engine started with a deep roar of power. Putting the pedal to the metal, Tom shifted the gear in rev and raced backwards out of the shop with screaming tires. He was soooo cool. Because… - yes - he was A Boyfriend!

A very sexily looking female with flaming red hair made of the tons and tons of extensions jumped right under the wheels when Tom's Aston Martin was doing the hip-hop moves (Yo, Nerys. How do you call the shit the car does when some rappers sit inside and just sway up and down, up and down?). (I am 36 how the _beep_ should I know?)

The female sex-bomb had breast size E plus, a tiny waist and long legs. A small blue miniskirt and a rep top suited her just fine. High heeled boots on HUGE high heels and the words ZEXXXY FERTILE PUREBLOOD MOMMA on the front of the outfit, made Tom want to drool.

'I am faithful, my love,' Tom whispered and drove over the seducing bitch once more. (Yesss, our love for Ginny is magnificent).

Tom knew in all his swelled up, pounding heart that Maryione and he would remain Boyfriend and Girlfriend foreva.

XXX

'You drive me craaaazy, I just can't sleep' was heard from the Great Hall when Maryione entered on her favourite horse – Fartomus - wearing her smashingly gorgeous Gucci Banana dress.

'Muchachita!!' cried a very weirdly looking man upon noticing Maryione.

'Jack!' roared the Princess when she saw her dearest friend - Jack Sparrow - run towards her.

They had a very 'fun' holiday together just a few months ago and now they were best friends.

'Oops, I did it again. I played with your heart…' boomed when Maryione kissed Gandalf and hugged Garfield.

'I can't get no…satisfaction…' and Maryione was now dancing with Legolas and Mickey Mouse. She flashed him her priceless new Mickey Mouse watch, and he was so happy Maryione wore one in her banana Gucci outfit that Mickey donated Disney watches to everyone. Tom got a Goofy one and he was absolutely delighted to get a new fine piece of jewellery from Euro-Disney. (No, Serpie back then it was still called Euro-Disney not Disneyland Paris. Tsk, tsk, tsk, do get the time era correctly.)

A small boy, presumably a first year (but you never know what kind of shit came from different universes) was drooling while looking at Britney Spears on the stage.

With a glare full of hatred, our sweet, innocent savour pointed her Life and Death and Diamond and Pig wand at the singer and cast a non-verbal Mage Level curse that made Britney's voice disappear.

'My turn,' the Princess smirked and marched to the stage.

In a couple of minutes everyone in the Hall, and that was more than 5976408977 people, were hypnotized by Maryione's voice and the steady drumming Nerys with slithering in a perfectly perfect break-dancing Serpie. Severus Snape of the Black Pussy Backstreet Gang immediately joined them and they rocked the Great Hall down.

And then THEY entered- A Spiderman and a red-headed Porn-star with tire marks all over her sexy belly. Tom glared at the new couple entering. Who were they? And most of all, why was that blond guy hugging HIS Maryione? If he didn't know Abraxas Zorro was eating Walburga's face, he would have thought his Walpurgian Knight had made a fatal error.

Eyes flashing the colour of a tasty porky, Tom Riddle moved forwards. After all, they were boyfriend and girlfriend.

--

A/N: AWWWWW...REVIEW!! vomitsssss


	7. Chapter six: Take my sax away

Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts

**Disclaimer :**

S: So, Nerys, how about we move to the Maldives or Hawaii?

N: Serpie, you idiot, we still don't own Harry Potter and what does that mean?

S: Tough luck?

N: Just shut up and type.

Since nothing belongs to us, except Maryione and her chickens (which brings us no pennies whatsoever), we're still unhappy and envious of JKR and all her money. :insert loud sobs:

**A/N: **yes, yes, dear readers, we're back! We are even better than before! We are well aware that we're a little bit touched in the head, but hey, look at Voldie!

If you have a feeling that you've read (or heard) some of the parts somewhere (being sung before), then WE'RE GOOOOOD and you may get a cookie.

With thanks to our reviewers for stimulating us to write more and more and more and more: Lady Miya; JammyTart333; HadaRogue; Ankoku Dezaia; Shinketsu Karasu; The-Quoi; Dracosblondiegirl and Killtheenviousmoon.

And with a huge kiss to all those at GE-forum for supplying us with a list of pet peeves in sex scenes. We tried to get them all. XD

**Warning: **All the little underaged children may exit the vehicle now! Also the faint hearted and easily distressed ones, please press the first arrow at the top of your screen on the left! This is where we enter the Land of M-Rating. Don't believe us? See for yourself. But be warned... we are not liable to any and all damages done to your poor eyes and soul upon reading this lemony chapter.

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**Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts**

**Chapter six: Take my sax away**

Maryione Hermito Superfly sat desperate in her now cold, dark and lonely bedroom. All the colours of life had faded when Tom, her Tommy-poo, had not been nice to Draco, her Dragon. Her perfectly perfected perfect world shattered and fell apart in a matter of minutes. So, she clutched on to her secret white teddy bear that wore a green jumper with a silver snake. Her tanned and muscular, but not overly - she didn't like body-building very much, arms squeezed the little fluffy Teddy tightly to her E-sized chest; and the bear, feeling how emo Maryione was, let a sparkling lonesome tear slip down its furry cheek - for it knew loneliness and Maryione was crushing the sawdust together that made up her lovely bear-forms.

Once upon a long, long time ago, when Nerys and Serpie still walked under the table, Teddy had a dear companion; but they were roughly separated in the shops and Teddy had no idea where her soul-bear had been taken. She still missed his soft black fur touching her white paw; and the way his ruby eyes mirrored her sapphire ones – or his daring pink jumper with that marvellous platinum pig on it. Teddy had never given up hope to see _Him _(she didn't even know his name!) again. But years had passed, and Teddy became lost in the jungle of HP-fanfiction.

This would not a happy ending be, Teddy thought, sobbing.

--

'I must do it for you, my love, my princess, my life.' Quietly sobbing, Tom Riddle, aka the Master of a Brush, moved forward a bit so he could reach the darkest corners of the Astronomy Tower. The brush in his hand felt so heavy, but he kept cleaning the dirt from the old stones on all fours, like a common muggle. (Nerys, how do you clean your house? Cause I do it THAT way…sob) - (Serpie, I pretend dust is a figment of my imagination).

Scrubbing the dirt, Tom recalled how his happy, pinky life was destroyed in a second when Maryione declared that he had hurt her feelings and she was leaving him.

_Flashback._

_Tom was da__ncing with the red-haired cunt… uh no, I mean Ginny. Her slim body in her zexy outfit that looked like a pair of strings stretched out to accommodate huge tits and other stuff (I kinda forgot what she was wearing, and Nerys said 'Fuck it', so don't ask) made him wanna make her ride his rod, but he was a boyfriend now, so he wasn't allowed. __He was very proud of this excellent Prince Charming self-restraint he embodied, now. Finally, Tom Riddle had been redeemed and had turned toward the light._

'_I want to show you my Chamber of Secrets, Toooom,' the sex-bomb moaned, while massaging his pants._

'_Huh? You're another Heir of Slytherin?' Tom asked in an amazed voice._

'_No, you potato-head… But, I can give you one,' Ginny-the-Ho whispered into his sweet ear._

_Just when Tom was about to ask what she meant he saw that his Maryione was dancing strip-tease on the table and some blond idiot was touching her._

_Like a tornado, or better yet - with the speed of diarrhea wanting to leave your body in a crowded place, Tom rushed towards the bastard. Maryione was HIS girlfriend!_

'_What do you want with Maryione?' Tom asked the blond fuck, oopsi…, the blond boy who was not only hugging Maryione's slim, like very-very-very-very slim waist, but he was also whispering something into her sea-shell-like ear._

'_Yo, dude. Come, relax,' lazily drawled Draconis Malfoy, while Maryione laughed like a horse._

'_Keep your hands away from my girlfriend!' Tom whined when the Blond Slug put his two fingers into Maryione's zexxyy mouth. _

'_You…you…you…duck!' Tom screamed and then added, 'Yes, you slimy duck!'_

'_How dare you!' roared the most powerful and coolest wizard (in the dreamland where Draconis' fans lived) and pointed his Fuck-knows-what-made-of wand at Tom's scared face and hisssssed:_

'_Burhanduchardudududubooo Huhulipopiinugraaarwoyinhooos Maximum!'_

_But Tom was just as cool as Dwaco (Nerys, it's not a typo, it's like inspirational shit), so he of course knew the counter curse._

'_Bibibihuhugooookykipoerwasokikiki Pororororoiiikkiiititititevoooooos Protegisus Supersisus', Tom roared._

_Only Nerys (I do?) and Serpie know what would have happened had it not been for Maryione with her super Magick __of the Olde and Ancient Ones__ that stopped the curses from colliding._

_After that, she turned to Tom and said __haughtily (because she was very upset he had tried to hurt Da Amazing Dwawa-Poo):_

'_I am done with you, you ungrateful and impolite boy!'_

_And his happy life was over._

_End flashback_

After that Tom decided that he would do anything to have his girlfriend back. As he knew very well, Maryione loved nature, so he decided to clean Hogwarts and the surroundings by hand, without using Magic to prove how much he loved her.

So, after Tom spent several days cleaning out the garbage from the bottom of the lake, doing the scuba-diving, he worked on his newly purchased tractor to collect all the old grass from the fields of Hogwarts after he was done chopping trees – including the Whomping Willow that mysteriously had arrived in the nineteen-forties.

Trun-trun-trun-trun…

'Oh, no!' Tom thought devastated. His Bigga-Man, his new tractor broke down because of the chickens that ran around the tractor. And now, one was caught inside the machine. Maryione would be devastated if he killed one of her precious yellow, wing-clapping, pets. She would never luv him again if he had to bring her the corpse of her most faithful followers.

Having called Abraxas Malfoy (who had all the answers as true Malfoys do), Tom laid on the grass and stared at the Goblin-made-glass sky that resembled Maryione's silky anus…

He was going to have to make it up to her.

A light-bulb flashed above his Heir of Slytherin head. She could have his most prized possession – his only source of comfort in dark, dark times. She could have his cuddly toy! That would make her love him again.

Tom knew they would be boyfriend and girlfriend 4eva.

--

Maryione dried her tears of fine wine and vinegar with her precious gold monogrammed handkerchief of spidery cobwebbed silk. Disbelievingly, she stared at Tom who had told her she could have his teddy bear. Blowing her nose with the sound of the Concorde flying through the sound barrier, she asked, touched deeply into her small, hurt heart:

'Do you mean it?'

'Of course, I want you to have it forever,' Tom said, crying inside that he had hurt his luv so much that she was in fetal position on the ground of her dim bedroom. 'It is a token of my love for you, because I have changed, my luv. You have changed me. You were my strength when I was weak. You were my voice when I couldn't speak. You were my eyes when I couldn't see. You saw the best there was in me. Lifted me up when I couldn't reach - you gave me faith 'coz you believed. I'm everything I am, because you loved me. Will you have me back?' he asked with his trembling lips.

Maryione swooned at his wonderful words; and all the members of Emo Land were gay, joyful and happy, cheering that the world had been saved from such dark evil.

'Make love with me – my love, my life, my queen and saviour?' Tom asked Maryione.

Doubtful, Maryione Hermione Dumbledore looked at her Prince Charming. Could she really trust him with her sacred and well-saved, almost shriveled dry, holier than holy sanctuary? Wasn't she supposed to be married first and then just do it to have babies? Her papa always told her to wait. But her papa wasn't here. And uncle Vinny wasn't either. What if Tom would hurt her – just as uncle Vinny tried to do? She shivered.

'Trust me,' Tom said; and he held out his toned, tanned hand, trembling slightly – unsure she would take it.

Shyly and uncertain, Maryione looked into his deep reassuring eyes. Slowly, she loosened her limbs from their crouched position and reached out her hand to Tom. He took it (No! – Yes) and she gracefully trailed behind him, secretly holding on to Teddy's rear paw for comfort. As Tom guided her into his bedroom, Maryione was shaking fearfully – for she had defended her purity and untainted blazon with the fervency of a right-winged, crazed, religious fanatic; and therefore, she wore an unbreakable armour of Goblin-Made-Glass which could only be opened by one key that the Gods had supplied to Mr Right, the Keeper of Loooove, first name Always.

Tom, keeping a firm hold of her hand, pulled her all the way around his bed and there – on top of his bookshelves – it lay. Maryione gasped when she saw the little black bear, and a loud squeal of happiness came from the bear in her hand. Tom held out his bear to her and Maryione accepted it, watching both bears in her hands in amazement.

'What's his name?' Maryione asked Tom to Teddy's delight (finally, she would know too).

'Bear,' Tom said, smiling. (A/N: Our Lord is so good with names, isn't he Serpie?) (Serpie roars with laughter…Nagini 1,2,3 and Da Bear)

'Hello, Bear,' Maryione crowed, 'meet Teddy.'

And she pushed the bears' noses together to pretend they were giving each other a kiss. But both bears quickly clamped their paws together and they were never letting go, ever again. They were soul-bears after all.

'Teddy!' Bear said happily. 'I missed you.'

'Bear!' Teddy shouted. 'Me too. I have been hoping to see you again for so many years now.'

'I love you,' Bear said, hugging his soul-bear-partner.

'I love you too,' Teddy replied. 'Let's make hot passionate reunion bear sex.'

'Awww…,' Maryione swooned, while the two bears were eating each other's face. 'Look how cute they are together, Tom.'

'Very cute, but not nearly as cute as you,' Tom agreed, stroking Maryione's beautiful, perfect face before taking the bears from her and placing them on the vanity.

His eyes gleamed with hot passionate luv when he turned back towards her. Maryione shivered in a mixture of excitement and fright, because she was a timid little damsel - as she burped loudly, breaking all the windows in the castle and beyond.

That was sooooo cool, Tom decided, ripping of Maryione's expensive clothes in heats of hot unsanctioned hotness.

Maryione, having decided she was Da Bitch again, repaid the favour by getting Tom's one chest hair (that he missed shaving, due to his distress over losing the luv of his life) stuck in between the zipper of her jacket.

'Ouch…'

It became a mixture of arms, legs, limbs, heads and clothes.

'Umm…'

'No wait, let me try that.'

'Arh.'

'O-Um- Ooph.'

'Oh no, this is not right,' Maryione said, looking at Tom in her outfit, while she wore his.

'We're wizards!' Tom shouted.

Shocked, Maryione checked her pants and let out a relieved sigh. She was still a witch. Tom pulled his wand (no, the other one people; tsk tsk tsk. Serpie, we have strange readers) and waved it around:

'Evanesco clothes!'

Maryione turned bright red, hotter than the hottest chilly tomato, when Tom looked at her prized jewel of Purity Divine.

'What's that, luv?' Tom asked, frowning.

'My pure chastity belt that will protect me from my evil feminine wiles,' Maryione whispered. 'It can only be opened by He-Who-Truly-Loves-And-Honours-Me-And-Will-Do-The-Right-Thing-And-Marry-Me-So-We-Can-Be-(Un)Happy-Forever-After-We-Shagged-Once-And-Got-Unlucky.'

'I can be He-Who-Truly-Loves-And-Honours-You-And-Will-Do-The-Right-Thing-And-Marry-You-So-We-Can-Be-(Un)Happy-Forever-After-We-Shagged-Once-And-Got-Unlucky, luv,' Tom responded.

He pointed to the two bears who were a sign from the Heavens up above that they belonged together, and those bears were not wasting time on frivolous matters. They were getting it on in missionary position, having already performed the 69 stuff happily.

Maryione blushed tremendously. He wasn't expecting her to do that, was he?

Sensing her embarrassment, Tom stepped forward and took her head in his hands. 'Don't worry, my Princess, I will do right by you,' he said before kissing her softly on the lips.

Maryione squealed happily and jumped into his arms.

'Ouch,' Tom groaned when his happy member impacted against the solid contraction of Maryione's chastity belt, and they tumbled onto the bed. A short, high squeak sounded and a little yellow chicken – that had foolishly come to rest on Tom's Slytherin inherited bed – was no more.

Tom rolled Maryione over, dumped the chicken on the floor for Nagini Twelve, and got on top of his soul-princess-of-the-heart. He kissed her softly in that sensitive place of her neck.

Maryione moaned – he was sooooo good. 'But what about the lock of my pussy vault?'

A small smile flew over Tom's face as he checked out the strongest protection ever made in mankind. He had the answer to all pussy vaults with codes, riddles and dragons. 'I know just the thing,' he replied, and he slipped it down over Maryione's legs.

'I never thought of that!' Maryione squealed cheerfully.

Her lover was soooo smart. Not even Draco had come up with that solution. Yeah, our pure demure virgin had never tried to have sex before.

'Will you be careful, Tom?' Maryione asked, looking at his huge mushroom head cock afraid. She was sure it was never gonna fit, ever. (No worries, dear readers, we'll squeeze it in somehow…).

Tom held her tightly in his strong muscular arms and laid her down on the Mice-eaten-fleas-bitten bed – like only true royalty could.

A loud crack sounded when the mirror of the vanity broke due to the violent intercourse of the bears. 'Oh yess, Teddy, yessss.'

'Ohhhhh, Bear!'

Both bears shook violently and came in a shout of passion.

'Of course, my darling, my princess, my everything,' answered Tom, reassuring Maryione, and he impaled her roughly.

Maryione cried out in absolute agony when her holy membrane was ruptured and she bled waves and waves of bloody fluids. Crystal tears were flowing down her cheeks as she sobbed. And Tom caressed her softly and kissed her on the nose to make it better.

'It will be over soon, honey,' he whispered, lovingly.

It was innie – outtie, innie – outtie; and Maryione threw her head back in delight. 'Oh Tom, make me cum!'

'Yessss, cum for me,' Tom hissed.

The bears had changed position on the vanity and were now trying out the old doggie-style position to much satisfaction. The vanity was dancing around Tom's chamber from their movements of pleasure.

Waves of orgasmic pleasure rolled over Tom and Maryione as she milked his rod. His Love Juice mixed with the blood of her ruptured -not so pure- core on their climax, and they crashed into each other's arms, exhausted and satisfied.

The bears were hanging from the ceiling; sucking, nibbling, kissing, trusting, pumping, swish-swush - swish-swush - swish-swush.

'Tom?'

'Yes?'

'You are the best,' Maryione said, snuggling against him.

'You too,' Tom said, snuggling up against her.

The bears were doing it up against the wall.

'Tom?'

'Yes, dear.'

'My unmentionable is bleeding.'

'That is normal,' said Tom, as they floated through the room on the fluids of their cum and Maryione's ex-virginal blood.

Teddy was whipping Bear in a tight leather bear-outfit.

'Tom.'

'Yes, dear.'

'It burns down there.'

Tom got the fire hose.

Bear was riding Teddy's back. Yihaa! Rawhide!

'Tom.'

'Yes, dear.'

'I need you inside of me.'

Tom recalled the wise words of a kind old monk. 'Close your eyes; let go of all feelings, thoughts and emotions…'

'May the Force be with you,' Maryione finished, delighted he knew the Origin of the Force of Nature's Magic too.

And they fell into each other's arms, with Maryione's nails flashing in the brightest of rainbow colored colours, thinking they would be happy always. Obi Wan looked down proudly, he knew all was well.

Teddy was performing fellatio on Bear.

--

Deep down in the Slytherin common room a black owl with blond highlighted feathers landed in front of Abraxas Malfoy with a _dun dun dun _eerily appearing letter. Small droplets of blood fell from the envelope as Abraxas opened it with sheer excitement. His highly connected family always supplied him with the answer to all his problems, always. Quickly, he read over the letter with the Malfoy family crest of the –vomit– Peacock.

YES! That little bitch of SHITTER House was a fraud, a phoney, a mistress of lies and deception. Abraxas Malfoy had always known there was no Hermione Maryione Dumbledore and this proved it. His Lord had taken a Mudblood as his girlfriend! Oh the horrors!

Now, all the Knights would follow him. It was time for a new leader, a True Leader of Men. It was time for Duke From Baxalayas to reign supreme!


	8. Chapter seven: Limbo Rock

**Disclaimer: '**What the fuck is that?'  
'It's when you tell someone you're not Rowling and don't own the Potterverse,' an innocent bystander informs the crazy ass authors.  
'Because there are actually morons out there who think SHE wrote this?' the crazy ass authors exclaim in tandem, roaring over the ground clutching to their bellies with laughter.  
'No,' the innocant bystander continues calmly, 'because you have to explain that you get no money from this, so nobody gets sued.'  
'Because there are actually morons out there who think that we get paid for THIS?'  
The innocent bystander gives up while the crazy ass authors roar on.

**A/N: **Now, normally you're supposed to thank your reviewers and such, but we just can't be bothered by such insignificant details. Go read the chapter and review; otherwise, we'll hunt you down and spam and troll all over you.

**Beta: **Well, she read along. And she tried. But we kept changing her stuff back, since obviously, she has no idea how to spell in English being an American. ;p  
We rock! We perfect! We no need stinking Beta!

(Beta: Yes, and they are sending me back to English classes. And I am officially a donkey now ... Are there English classes for donkeys? *is stumped* *goes back to eating ...* What do donkeys eat again, Nerys?) (Nerys would have to research that and is still a lazy arse, so decides to ignore said comment)

**xxx**

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**Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts**

**Chapter Seven: Limbo Rock**

A flash. A powerful blast, even more powerful than her latest fart in the Master Room of the SHITTER house which blew the three brought back to life by the power of love yellow chickens out of the fucking balcony where gnomes in the uniform cleaned the strawberry bushes (OMFG, Nerys, WTF am I writing?). Now, the three yellow chickens were in the same place as she was after that bastardy bastard Malfoy had used a Gryffindor sword to throw her from the Astronomy Tower. Her magical phoenix animagus form was damaged somewhat, Hermione (scratch that, she's not in the story) Maryione found herself on the ground. Like, on the ground from the fall, in case somebody here is stupid. Duh. She was not dead and not alive.

She was THERE.

Maryione's (enter her huge long name which we, lazy old bitches, forgot) current environment was dreary, moist, green and above all filthy. This was not how it was supposed to happen.

No, definitely not.

Sues never die, EVA. And she was the biggest Sue of all, making this a greenish hell or ... a dream. Yes, a dream! But a weird one, where she wasn't in charge. She was always in charge, except when reflecting on her dreary sad sad and cruel past. Then, she was above all helpless and supa!emo, letting a single teardrop fall on her rosy sleek freshly shaved cheek silently into the green something around her.

'WTF!' our beautiful, sensitive, smashing! (use thesaurus yourselves, we are too lazy to search for any other adjectives) lead exclaimed dramatically.

Why was she here? Where was she? And why were her arms and legs tied up with some disgusting polyester ropes! Polyester - so, so, so common and just ewwie. It didn't match with her priceless, silk outfit of the Cuckoofutton (WTF, Nerys? Dressing that bitch up is my role! Serpie pouts dramatically) Designer Project Catwalk Clan Manifesto and it wracked her princess's skin. Spots were already erupting everywhere. The horror! Oh woes!

'Ah, finally, the SHITTER princess awakens,' a very, _very, __**very, **__**very**_, _**VERY**_ evil and dangerous voice spoke mockingly from the shadows between the huge snake statues. It sounded EVIL, like EVIL from something so EVIL that she couldn't bring her fried, scratch, magnificent brains to grab the idea of what she was thinking and Serpie writing.

The other Serp (not the European one) spit out her Cola when she found out that she was mentioned in this shit. For no reason at all, WE just love to bring random characters into this mess, for we shall not suffer alone.

Out glided a tall, 8 foot long troll, scratch that, imposing figure wearing royal robes of deep green velvet and gold threads (since Nerys is color-blind, then you DO understand that he was wearing RED and silver, Serpie adds mockingly) ; his striking, soft, gorgeously hot curly blond hair carried his neo-platinum pointed crown decorated with ... dun dun dun ... all types of jewels. (A/N: Now before you let out the relieved sigh, the description is not done yet.) He had emeralds, rubies, diamonds, zircons, and yes, even Swarofski or Svarovski or Smarovski Crystals! (AN from Serpie. NO FUCKING WAY! I am Da Decorator!). He had smashingly brilliant..emmm...EARS! made of YESSSS, the Goblin thingy and they shined even brighter than Maryione's fake Chinese ones.

(Eh, Nerys objected, I already USED the teeth description later on. Points down.) (Serpie points up to the EARS thingy. Buy new glasses.) Nerys runs to the store.

Maryione's red lips opened to let out a sparkling waterfall of drool in envy of such luscious and cool sparkles. Nobody but her was allowed such extravaganza in her presenty presence. Not even Ginny-the-Ho, who had recently received an upgrade to the Ho's-the-mistresses.

In his most elegant, royal hand, the eviler than evil blond held a scepter, on top of which it had a carved ferret slash peacock made of ... YES! ... Goblin-made-glass. The Goblin shit ferret slash peacock had icy blue eyes, made of who the fuck cares as long as you recall it's expensive.

(A/N from Serpie...Nerys, you lazy ass: decorate! Or I will...and happily decorates the thingy).

It was so expensove that the peacock had a pea made of blue royal diamond and the cock part was a solid Goblin Glass molded together in the far far galaxies of the Universe before the Empire stricked back and the Jedites had to retire. Icy blue eyes were made of...I don't know and I don't care anymore. Fuck this shit...I join Nerys in the la-la-I-don't-give-a-fuck world. Let your imagination run wild. Just remember one thing: expensive.

Yes, everything the Duke From Baxalayas did was costly. Even to us writers, er..., especially to us writers. (Serpie, can't we just kill him?) (No crazy Nerys, you do remember how tremendously powerful all Malfoys are, asks Serpie thinking that it had been Aro or how the blondie in the Sparkles was called? OK, a Malfoy, then a Malfoy. Serpie also doesn't give a fuck which OOC to screw up. Tsk, tsk, tsk, silly Dutch woman. Now go and type.)

Nerys sobs loudly, while Serpie cackles scratching her also blond locks on the scalp...where were we? A, yes.

With his set of white straight razorsharp teeth (Goblin made!), he reminded her of a vampire - NO FANGS! - as he closed in on her poor defenceless damsel in distress helpless where is my knight in shining armour chesty feminine body. Shivering scared, her baby blue eyes batted at him for mercy. (I understand that you're old, Nerys, but come on, bitch, at least please do make an effort to remember that Maryione's eyes are CARAMEL or what ever color, but not BLUE! Serpie rants angrily...like really..duh)

Where was her Tom? Her hero. Her Tuxedo-Mask (yes, bitches, Serpie loves Sailor Moon). Her amazing masturbation dream? What was she doing here with some out-of-the-blue, suddenly important character that was hardly mentioned before at all in this entire story. (He wasn't mentioned. I still don't know who the fuck it is exactly, Serpie adds nodding. Nerys points to last chapter ending where he miraculously appeared.)

Plotdevice, Maryione cleverly deduced.

Yes, sometimes her brain could function. Though, it rarely lasted for more than five seconds. The last time it did, she found out she could do a super powerful protection charm. The Love Shield was her new invention.

Still, this was supposed to be the tomione section of FFnet. WTF was that blond, infinitely hot, male specimen doing here?

Nobody in their right mind knew the answer to that (Serp-not-the-European one can stop giggling, you're also included into the 'touched in the head' group), so we won't even try to explain it to you, dear readers. Be glad this story's not littered with greasy-haired gits, too. Sometimes, there are MORE than ONE of those hottier than hottiest Snip-snapmasters around in the tomione verse. Yes, VTM, it's never wise to tempt us. (Serpie sometimes likes Snape-Hermione though!) (Speak for yourself Serpie the European One, Nerys huffs, tossing her own greasy hair through the air as in airless with grease dumping everywhere, and no, that's not attractive at all PEOPLE!).

Anyways ... dun dun dun ... The situation was dire. Since non of the authors remembered anything they have written so far, as is normal in fics as wonderful as these. And they had no clue what they were writing, so...It WAS dire. Or is dire or had been dire or whatever dire. Dire, dire, dire, all the way.

Despair took over Maryione as she realised, her sweet sweeter than strawberry with ice-cream candy Tom aka the Emo! would be all alone now. She'd left him AFTER they'd fought over nothing. And now *teardrop* she'd no more chance to make it up to him or tell him she was preggies with his heir baby twin boys. Sad, hah. Yes, we know how to make our readers cry or pull their hair out in frustration.

'You're nothing but a filthy Mudblood and I will rule the world 4eva!' the blond nut boomed, cackling evilly, just like Nerys does when she eats ice-cream and cookies. (Now, Nerys is hungry and runs to the fridge)

Her baby blue eyes (Fuck this, Serpie announces. Blue- then blue. Who cares anyway. Serpie leaves the fucking BLUE eyes alone. Nerys: Eh, I was sure we gave her a make-over when she got to the past with her blonde hair and all, remember? nudge, nudge, wink, wink) widened even further. How dare he say that about her? She was no stinking Mudblood. She was ... _again with the long name_ ... and heiress to ... _again, too many famous ancestors (just skip back to previous chapter if you're desperate to know)_ ... and she was DA Sue!

'At least I know not to match green with gold,' Maryione deadpanned (She, like Nerys, was also color-blind), causing the blond nutter who was still hot and handsome, too, to stagger in shock. 'And who the Gordon Ramsey are you?'

(Bitch Nerys decided to mock Serpie, Serpie knows that, as Serpie told Nerys a secret, that Serpie adores and luvvs the Fs that the master chef produces all the time non stop. Damn, gotta love him, you donkeys!)

Now the blond almost died. (Eh, Nerys, I thought this was limbo, which means they are dead already, right?) (Shut up, Serpie, and type. BTW, it totally depends. Some conveniently are still alive and others not. We just don't specify the terms of our environment too precisely).(Nerys, we don't specify a shit in this story, in case you forgot. I personally have no fucking clue as to what the fuck I am writing now) (Which is quiet normal for you, Nerys deadpans)

Insert cat fight: Estonia versus the Netherlands. No Cullen versus those Italian suckers style, but real fighting people, no chatting; nails out, hair pulling, and blood everywhere.

Many hours later, Taiwan has won and typing commences, ALAS.

'I am Duke From Baxalayas Supreme!' the blond squeaked from the moist ground to where he'd fallen. He just fell, we haven't info as to why, or what caused it, but as soon as CSI crews show up, we'll let you know. (Oh, I want Horatio, Nerys squeals immediately. Serpie: I want the original one..from the other city...Or the blue eyed from New York)

'Never heard of,' Maryione continued relentlessly.

"Of course you didn't, you stupid mudblood; I am the Duke of the fallen world of the sparkles!" he deadpanned.

Just when Maryione thought that she would never see the creep (oh no our bad) her long-lived love of her love-life love named Tom again, as the blond with the peacock would surely impale her slim body onto his ... fork, when a sparkle, then one more and more flew into the room where Maryione was captured and held captive by some sort of Malfoy dude. Not Draco Pooh, but an evil one. Still hot though, of course, as all Malfoys are hot. It goes without saying, so we're saying it over and over again, just to bore - scratch - entertain you.

'Uh?' Maryione said, batting her green eyes brightly. 'What is with the Christmas decoration?'

Maryione tried to drool again at the sight of a pale face framed with golden eyes (like hers should be, Nerys, not blue! Makeover, makeover, Nerys hisses) and bronze hair beauty that sparkled. Free of charge.

However, her drool was stopped by the Empty Space, also known as Bella Swan-Cullen, who not only wanted to have Edward only to herself, but also made Maryione step down the pedestal of Mary Sues, claiming the first place. Abraxas was in complete awe of all the wonders of this universe all together, including him. But he knew he'd be victorious in the end. None of these Sues could beat his Chicken Pie Supreme.

xxx

In the lone lonesome lonelier than lonely castle of the doomed and alone, Tom Marvolo Riddle, our poor poor orphan stared over the railing, or whatever they have up there (crenellated ramparts according to the lexicon, but we can't possibly be bothered by that info; why research with one click of your mouse when you can write bull?), from the Astronomy Tower. There, down on the ground, lay the battered body of his lady love supreme. The woman of his dreams and once cold and frozen heart, who patched his soul with a single fart.

Yessss, there she was on the ground (duh) all battered and broken and blood everywhere, gushing out of her like waves of the ocean that foamed and churned, her ribs visible to all to see as they stuck up like she'd just given birth to an Alien as in Alien 1,2,3, till Z. Her bowels were showing her recently eaten chicken dish, making Tom's empty stomach growl. A tiny bit of mush was visible on the side of her cracked scull where the brain should have been located. Looking closely, Tom saw the magnificent risotto with lobster tale.

'May I have some chicken, please?'

It had been one of the last things he'd ever said to his Maryione before Tom Riddle, the evil one, you remember him: massmurderer, kills and tortures for fun, tries to become the dark Lord Voldemort and takes over the world, but we all know this piece of emo shit will never accomplish anything, had changed and seen the path of light and righteous righteousness with thanks to the wonders of fanfiction (Serpie shudders at the butchered Tom's character in so many fics and decides she likes this Emo! Creep better anyway), yet now that his lady saviour, his knightress in shining Goblin-made-glass armorment, had died on him, he would return to his old and evil ways of course since he recently found out he was carrying twin baby girls and now those poor poor babies would have no mommy, just like him.

But they will have a daddy, Tom thought bravely, touching the hearts of morons everywhere. And he will always be Da Best Daddy EVA! and he knew his baby girls would have their mom's emerald eyes. AS SHOULD BE.

Are you all still with me?

(Serpie shakes her head on the floor. Nope, me gone. Too much EMO!)

No?

Sorry, that can't be helped. We'd loved to write something comprehensible but alas the boundaries of fanfiction were set before we ever crawled under the table, so you'll just have to imagine there are no plotholes, and normal sentences without crazy ANs inside of the story (what story?) here. You dig?

Yeah, I thought not. Moving on...

For she had to be dead, right? (Duh. Nothing can kill that bitch, Serpie mutters angrily. Now I still have to dress her up. BLUE EYES, fuck me.) (Eh, emerald green now, Serpie, do keep up.)

Authors and readers all over the world now roll their eyes in clear mocking of the silliness and stupidity of our Clark Kent Hero. Since clearly NOBODY ever really dies for real in fanfiction!potterverse, or in canon!potterverse for that matter (cough rebound curse cough potter's miraculous luck cough). We all know Maryione will sparkle back to life somehow if only her Superman hero would see the light and save his beautiful bird. (No, Serpie, stop rounding the chickens together. It's a two-legged bird as in ... NOT the chickens! Gives up trying to explain British slang and moves on.)

So, Tom needs to save his Maryione by going to acting classes and becoming the lead in the latest Musical of Phantom of the Opera or Sweeney Todd if we're really desperate. So, he can sing and dance together with his Belle and he can be the Beast. (Serpie faints here. Nerys is crazy, bitches. She is a lunatic...NO singing TOM, PUHLEASE?) (Nerys cackles loudly, while rubbing her hands together in clear vicious delight: singing it is, with dancing, and maybe a violin. Why? Because using a violin makes us look really smart. And more emo!)

'No, I am Da Beast,' a whiny voice whines. (Yes, we moved to present tense. Deal with it).

Shocked, Tom looks back over his broad swimmer's build shoulder (the other shoulder was not swimmer's build, as Tom liked gymnastics as well, so it was slim and lean). He was sure he was all alone, but there he stands: all scruffy and poor and emo! Immediately, Tom felt a pangerdy pang pang in his heart. Another lonely soul all alone. He rushed over to bear-hug the poor guy, but Da Beast jumped back.

'No, I am a dangerous animal,' Remus Lupin whined. 'And I shall never no (Serp-the-not-european-amazing-beta-one whispers: should I tell them that's "know" or will they start mocking me over that again?) ((Serpie-the-other-one and Nerys ROFL).

Recap, so you all can still follow it.

'No, I am a dangerous animal,' Remus Lupin whined. 'And I shall never no love or be with anyone, because I am such a wuss and nagger and just no good were at all. And my breath stinks cause I eat all the fallen shit I can find in the forest. And my nails are pink. Yes, pink. So? Never heard of slash? Remus loves Sirius and wants to make puppies with him. Deal with it, you insane bigots out there.

'You're not the most dangerous animal; I am ... and a pedo,' Jacob whispered the latter utterly distressed about his canon fate. (Nerys and Serpie now want to take a moment to explain they do NOT speak through their characters or support paedo or pedophilia in any shape or form)

'Oh phooey, little kiddies' meat is Da Best,' Greyback said, chewing on a piece of eleven year old (that was Chibiusa from Sailor Moon- whiny brat, hate her) that also dropped out of nowhere on the tower. 'You're no good weres both of you. This is what we do. Nom nom nom nom.'

Jacob and Remus fell into each other's arms completely distressed about the utter dastardly dastardness of weres everywhere, except them, and they howled like crying pups. Yeah, nobody tried to save the whiny brat, since nobody cared. (Not even poor Nerys, who has no idea WTF has entered their fic now; Sailor What? Are they related to Jack Sparrow? Er... Captain Jack Sparrow?)

Also, Tom doesn't know what to do anymore. The world had just turned upside down on him (and on us poor authors of this priceless piece of nobelprize winning shi- masterpiece). He didn't know how to act. Why was everybody taking time away from his emo! screentime? He was supposed to be the male lead: the big cheese. It was so unfair. He just lost his love and now they were here. WHY WHY WHY?

'Because we're the true Stus and Sues of the world,' a bundle of sparkles spoke huskily husky.

Tom blinked, trying to eradicate the amazing sparkles. Sorry Tom, we tried, too, it doesn't help. Edward is like superglue. Perhaps you can nail him to the Hogwarts Express's floor? And then, Jasper can take him from behind. Jasper: O.O

Anywayssss, amazing sparkles materialised and the level of emo immediately rose drastically.

'EDWARD! I LURVE YOU!' Walburga yelled with lovey dovey eyes.

WTF, Tom thought, annoyed. That was his woman, too.

But his problem was solved instantenously er ... instantinopel ... instantesomething, well, immedi .. er... right away.

'NO, WE LOVE JACOB!' a teen Minnie McGonagall yelled, jumping on Walburga's back and trying to throttle her.

'I need your help, Tom,' Edward said. 'My wife has gone missing and I think she is with yours.'

Tom's eyes widened and he looked over the wall. No, Maryione is all alone there.

'Mine is dead,' Tom wailed.

'Yeah, we're dead, too. We're vampires, you know evil creatures that shouldn't exist, and wow, I wish I was mortal and I should never have eaten that headboard,' Edward said, chagrined. 'It falls very hard on the stomach,' he added, spitting out another feather.

'You're in the sun.'

'Myth.'

'I have a cross.' (DUH? Tom has a cross? Whateva...pronounces Serpie in Transylvania's accent. Like Dracula.) (Of course he has a cross,Serpie. Don't you remember he got it from the one and only sweet Mary Sue who was there in that orphanage?) (Oh, fuck off, Nerys. She didn't have a cross. All she had was an enima, a bear and a toilet.) Nerys goes to fuck, misunderstanding Serpie completely since she's not a native speaker. (Yes, this is the Real M- material, readers.)

Fade out...

Everyone is unsatisfied.

'Myth,' Edward explained to the cross mentioning, not to Nerys fucking. (Stop laughing, Serpie)

Uh huh, says the most powerful SORCERER in the world. Vamps are myths. And Tom is dumb in this story, so I guess you can make that point.

'Where is your cape?'

'Tuxedo Mask took it.'

Minnie and Walburga rolled by in the mud with only really tight bikinis on. (Eh, in case of some lone, male, not gay reader decides to pop in, Serpie). (On FFnet, Nerys?) (Nerys deletes sentence instantsomething)

'Garlic.' Lupin.

Groan.

'Stake.' Sookie.

Edward pinches the bridge of his sparkling cock tiresomely. No, the one on his face, people. tsk tsk tsk.

'You don't have any fangs.' Donald Duck.

'Vamps don't have fangs. They eat with Forks.' No comment on Serpie's side.

'He does,' Tom said, pointing at the real handsome vamp standing in an alternate universe still; but Eric is on his way people, don't worry. He'll get them all. Muaaahhahaha!

Shivering, Edward glanced at the visual of the smirking and waving vampire in the alternate universe. He really hoped those REAL vamps wouldn't come visit here, too. He didn't want to die.

'Oh fuck, make up your mind, Cullen Sparkles,' every sane person plus three insane bitches on the planet say. 'Toss him in the fire,' Nerys adds hopefully, her eyes glinting.

'Tom, Tom!' Draco yelled.

"Edward, Edward!' yelled Ginny-the-Ho.

With a loud scream, Minnie and Walburga tumbled over the ramp or wall or railing or whatever. They fell down. A long way. Hard. Mashed potatoes. Right on top of Maryione Sue. Remember that readers, it could be foreshadowing. (Serp, the one from Taiwan, raises an eyebrow: foreshadowing in this fic?) (Yes, Serp. Beware, perhaps a plot will pop up eventually?)

'We have to save Maryione!' Draco and Ginny yelled in a new rhythm that beat and sang, 'From the evilness that is Abraxas!' They ended in a high pitched note and bowed on their toes.

Curtain calls.

Hahaha! You wish.

No, this story isn't over yet.

Anyway, Cullen Sparkles and Slytherin Heir Tom decided to go save their damsels-in-distress and everyone towed along with them, to be equally annoying or more so than them. After all, they had to win the competition in **Limbo's Kitchen**!

And boy oh boy, the master devil himself, the person who can produce more F words in a second than Maryione can fart, would be there to judge and punish the unworthy ones.

And so, we are not sure how many of them we have now here since most of them suck (GO ERIC!) so fuck them all, but they all moved to the Limbo to save their loved ones and win the prize to become a Head Cook Elf in the Hogwarts fine dine restaurant.

xxx

To be continued. Muahahhaaha!

xxx

**AN:** OK, people, should we get a total of a measly 100 reviews or more than that we will update instant... imme... FUCK right away. If not, you'll just have to suck it up, you worthless not reviewing scum, and we will neva EVA update again. *insert hysterical ranting fanfic writers*


	9. Chapter eight: Authors' Note

**Authors' note: **

We just wanted to say how disappointed we are in our readers. All those hits, alerts, favs and you lot failed to review. Shame on you. It's almost as if you didn't want a next chapter of this fic.

But we know that's NOT the case. How could it be?

We're AMAZING. Our fic is unmatched in all its miraculousness. A pure Goblin-made gem sparkling in the dreary mud.

(Serpie, why is there Goblin shit in our AN?)  
(Because, Nerys, we have Goblin shit everywhere. Did you forget that already, you old fart?)  
(Oopsi, of course I did, you peroxide blonde; no great author ever keeps to their plot and created world on this site.)

So, we had to do what all great, magnificent, wonderful, Pulitzer prize winning authors do in fanfiction.

YES!

We changed our profile name, title, etc. and fooled you all. Buahhahahaa! Serpie coughs, as she is still sick and laughing like mad makes you cough... Nerys just cackles on wickedly. Serp may seem silent but that must be her USB acting up again. We just know she's doing an eerie, creepy laugh as well since she's now included into the penname of this gem. Such Honor/Honour, whatever English you prefer. Only a select few get to be included.

Ermm... Lady Miya, why are you suddenly hiding and bolting your doors in Sweden? *shrugs, not getting it at all* Serpie also doesn't get it, as it will take Serpie just a few hours to get to Sweden...silence...  
Ooooh, Miya lives between us, Serpie, we can meet each other there. *Why is there suddenly a stream of cars on the bridge to Danmark?*  
Serpie doesn't get it...We are meeting in Amsterdam to get shit drunk, remember?...Bewaaare then...we might update something then...

Back on track: (yes, there's a track):

Can you imagine the sheer amount of reviews we're going to get if the readers don't realise this is a parody, Serpie?

Duuuhh..they must review otherwise it will be bull.

For nothing.

All our hard work. As if we got nothing better to do.

Well, ok, maybe we don't. But still, that's no excuse for THEM (the evil lazy readers) not to review. *glares*

But now they don't know it's us, they will review. Naturally.

Read and Review!

And we will update asap.

For you!

(Now Serp tried to add something since she felt she could, being included in the penname and all, but eh... we just had to copy and paste the doc before that. A honorary mention does not make a Pulitzer Prize winning author. Muahahaha!)


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